“Keep Calm and Carry On.” – Said no U.S. citizen… ever.
Our nation is increasingly being overtaken by fear and paranoia. Everything is something that we should be afraid of. It started out innocently enough with fringe activities like riding your bicycle (better wear a helmet!), climbing on the monkey bars (OMG Timmy, get down from there!), and eating vegetables (Those things live in dirt, you know!), but lately the list of things we’re terrified of has expanded dramatically.
Just this past week, we’ve added new things to the list. In addition to bicycles, monkey bars, and vegetables, the good citizens here in the Deep Fried South have added “people” to the list of terrifying things that are coming to ruin the American Dream.
Back in the good ole days, we only needed to be afraid of “those people.” You know, the ones that don’t look or talk like you. “Those people” were a real threat to our way of life because, you know, it’s “them.”
Today however, thanks to the internet, we are coming to realize that being afraid of “those people” isn’t enough anymore. In fact, anyone can be a threat. If anyone can be a threat, naturally that means that everyone IS a threat!
Just like WebMD taught us that every twinge is an incurable cancer, Facebook is teaching us that everyone is about to snap and go on a rampage. The only solution is to develop human-sized bulletproof hamster balls and spend as much of our lives as possible inside our Safety Spheres.
If you’re not right this very second oscillating between panic attacks and crippling paranoia then you’re doing it wrong. This is the U.S. of A and people are everywhere! There are people in stores, driving their cars, and there are even people in our schools… RIGHT NOW!
This message was brought to you by Safety Spheres. Safety Spheres, because you can never be too careful!