My Dear Readers know that I am frequently critical of the work(?) that our Fearless Leaders at most every level manage to accomplish. Mostly this comes from an unsubstantiated feeling of superiority and smugness that I could do a better job without paying all that much attention or even being particularly sober.
On occasion, our Fearless Leaders will call us out on the carpet for something or other and all of us have fantasized about what we’d like to say in response, but we can’t because we have bills and children. This is the petty tyranny of the workplace and a sad state of affairs it is, indeed. Perhaps you’re wondering what my version of that response would look like, as my normal position is already well to the right of most on the Snark-o-meter. So I took some time to think about it and here’s a general sense of what I’d write in such a situation:
RE: Your concerns about my performance
Allow me first to begin by thanking for for bringing to my attention your concerns about my performance. As I have been working extra hours for little to no compensation, I haven’t had much time for entertainment and your memo brought tears to my eyes. I would like to take a few moments to address each of your concerns.
First, I would like to apologize for attempting to do both my job and yours. I was under the mistaken impression that we were working together to produce an outstanding program and that you were simply unable to accomplish the task and would appreciate my expertise and ability. I see now that this was in error. I understand now that your general incompetence and specific inability to communicate directives in a timely and orderly manner are a feature of our program, not a bug. In the future, I will do my utmost to allow you to drive the staff and our stakeholders absolutely insane with your rambling and nonsensical diatribes.
Secondly, I also need to apologize for being better at my job than you are at yours. I can see your point and agree that this makes you look like a buffoon. In the future I’ll attempt to reduce my job performance so that once again you appear to be the smartest and most competent person in the room. This will likely require me to begin abusing alcohol and drugs, but I’m committed to correcting my mistakes and making ours a successful professional partnership.
Thank you for clarifying the parameters and expectations of my position. I’m particularly looking forward to the “other duties as assigned” which will no doubt be sprung on me at the last moment and take me away from my regularly assigned duties, which will of course necessitate another memo about how I’m not doing my job. This is both a fair and appropriate policy.
Yours in Abject Servitude to the Fearless Leader,
Most of us know that such letters are probably not going to help at all, but they sure are a lot of fun to write. I hope you got a chuckle out of mine!