I know that several of my Dear Readers have been eagerly awaiting my formal announcement to run for Fearless Leader In Chief for the 2016 elections. No doubt many of you are waiting with bated breath, contribution checks in hand, for that most glorious of announcements… The kickoff of the “WTF America?” Campaign!
I have been pole testing and delivering speeches to several stumps around the neighborhood and as nearly as I can tell, nearly everyone loves the basic premise of my platform. You will recall that the “WTF America?” Campaign consists of one basic overarching theme; that I’m more American than America.
I have put together several ideas to change the way we do things in this country that I’m sure will win me the election.
- Campaign Reform – I have two campaign reforms to implement. The first one is that all candidates must raise as much money as they can and then do their best to maximize the good they can do with that money. Our civil servants should be exactly that… The measure of our candidates should be how much positive change can they effect with the money people give them. Obviously this will reveal their priorities better than any speech and simultaneously (maybe) improve the country you wish to serve. The second campaign reform is that all candidates must actually perform in the programs that they are making part of their platform for a week . Got education on your mind? You have to teach in a public school for a week. Want to reform Planned Parenthood? Get to work at the reception desk. Think the military is bloated and inefficient? Here’s your chance to actually find out. We’ll video you doing it and the nation will judge how much (if anything) you’ve learned.
- Government Programming – Government employees cannot be exempted from the programs they created or voted for. This is not my idea, but I really like it. Everyone gets the same Medicare, SS, etc except the people who created the programs? And they spend quite a bit of time either telling us it’s horrible or that it’s great? That seems shady to me.
Congressional Sobriety – Congress doesn’t currently work 5 days/week (when they are between month long vacations). So I propose that Congress must now always convene on Fridays, but that they must drink for the entire session. It is not possible for them to pass worse legislation than they currently do, so I’m not worried about that, and I’m positive that quite a bit more business will get done if they all take a shot every time Boehner bangs his giant gavel.
- The Environment – Even though my stance on Nature Winkies is absolute, one simply cannot hope to become the Fearless Leader in Chief without an environmental policy. So, my environmental policy is the same policy found everywhere in America and it was originally thought up by small business owners: You Break It, You Bought It. Just like every store owner in the country, I’m not interested in what percent of the breakage you caused, or who your Dad is, or why you desperately needed to break it. No one gets to break America without paying for it to get fixed or cleaned up again.
- Education – Education needs reformed quite badly. Did you know that nearly 6 out of 10 people surveyed believe that I am serious more than 50% of the time?! Clearly our schools are failing to teach even the basics of satire, sarcasm, and wit. How are Americans going to maintain their Humor Superiority if all we are left with are slapstick and knock-knock jokes? I’m going to be instituting a new Educational Reform Bill that will replace both No Child Left Behind and Race to the Top. It will be called School Or Whatever. All of our courses will be redesigned to reveal the humor inherent in both the concept of school and the subjects being studied.
And so there you have it, Dear Readers! My opening platform for the “WTF America?” Campaign! T-shirts to annoy your parents and stickers for your babies’ foreheads will be available soon! This is the second American political revolution and I can promise you that it’ll have 100% more corn dogs than the first one!