Hot Damn, it’s a new year!

Of course it’s made by Heinz!

Hell yeah, folks! It’s 2014! You know this year is going to be off the chain, son! We’re going to tear the roof of this sucker! Seriously, you know that this year is going to be amaze-balls (that one is for you, IrishPirate and Almond) because when I consulted my mystical 18th century Rhode Island Red-shaped weathervane, it was pointing unambiguously towards “revolutionary.” Since we all know that my weathervane predicts the future instead of the weather (“60% of the time, it works every time”), I have every confidence that we have finally shaken off the Year of Meh that was 2013 and are right this very second ushering in the Awesomesauce.

So what exactly will the New Hotness actually entail this year? Well, I’ve decided to line up three options and allow my dear readers to pick which one they’d either like to see or fully expect to happen in the next year.

1. Flying Cars – 2014 is going to be the year that the tech community finally delivers on its promise of personalized air transport. The Powers that Be have decided that we’ve killed each other in all ways possible in regular cars so now its time for some New and Improved action! To be clear, these cars will be less practical, more expensive, more pollluting, and uglier than our current cars, but the rush to own one will single-handedly revive the economy and restore the U.S. to its natural place as a world economic superpower while conveniently sidestepping all that awkward spending on fixing our current transportation infrastructure.

2. Actual Education Reform – This year the American People will finally realize that Instant Information Accumulation isn’t actually education and we will radically reform our schools from the bottom up. High stakes testing, classes arbitrarily divided by “subject,” and pedagogy which focuses exclusively on the human from the neck up will be viewed as quaint notions of the 19th century (along with horse drawn carriages, polio, and democracy). This education reform will so radically change the nation that everyone will once again be irresistibly drawn here and once again ‘Merika will take its place at the forefront of innovation and general awesomeness.

3. 2014 will forever be remembered in history as the Year of Excellence. This year people will spontaneously decide to be excellent to each other (a la Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure). This will of course mean that bigotry and racism will end, Congress will stop having food fights in the cafeteria, and TV sitcoms will be banned upon penalty of death. A New Age will dawn and everyone will live in peace and harmony.

Yes, 2014 is shaping up to be something pretty special.  Never before has it been more true; “Happy New Year!”


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