Mission: Ridiculous

“Good Evening Dear Reader, your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to administer the state’s new and extremely poorly thought out standardized tests to thousands of hapless students for no discernible purpose without allowing anyone to actually see the test or know that you were involved in its administration in any way. As always, should you or any of your I.M. Force be caught or killed, the Secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This message will self-destruct in 5 seconds.”

Oh, that RW! Always engaged in sarcastic hyperbole! I’m willing to bet that the new standardized tests aren’t ridiculous or pointless at all, he has just decided that he doesn’t like them and is making fun! – I suppose that is possible, but perhaps I should run down some of the highlights we’re dealing with this week and allow you to decide for yourself?

1. First and most importantly, teachers cannot be trusted not to cheat. Because this is true, teachers may not administer the test for their class unless someone else is in the room to ensure that no cheating occurs. Alternately, teachers can swap classes and give the test to someone else’s students, which course will not require additional adult supervision.

2. During the administration of the test, neither teachers nor students are allowed food or drink at any time. Bathroom breaks are allowed for students (but not for teachers, obviously), but only after the student surrenders their belt and shoelaces. Test administrators are not allowed to read, do work, or blink during the test. They ARE allowed to stare with a single-minded intensity at the students while they take the test. This is to make the actual taking of the test as stress-free as possible.

3. After the tests are given, they must be secured under lock and key unless or until the test administrators are available to grade them. This requires that no fewer than 3 certified test administrators be in the room at the time of grading to ensure that even though you are not grading your own students’ scores and could care less what they get, are not tempted to cheat even now. I can only imagine that the rooms used for grading will be equipped with CC video equipment and monitored by experts in micro-expressions.

4. Upon completion of the grading, the tests will be shipped to Central Processing for final confirmation of the test scores. This process involves carefully making a grading curve up on the spot to ensure that enough students have passed the test to satisfy the state without making it obvious that we are cooking the books to make it look like most of our students can pass the test. At this point the tests will be incinerated and their ashes buried in an undisclosed location.

5. The tests will then instantly be hailed as a great success and a giant step forward for education. Our Fearless Leaders will be so overcome with pride and joy at the accomplishments of our students and teachers that the state’s education budget will only be cut by 20% more than predicated this year!

Mission: Accomplished


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