The State of Our Union

Our Fearless Leader in Chief blew his Constitutionally-mandated smoke rings up our collective behinds yesterday. While I greatly prefer the skill with which this FLiC blows smoke rings compared to that last barely literate clown we had (I might have wanted to have a beer with him, but I wouldn’t have trusted him to calculate the tip!), I have to say that I continue to be underwhelmed at the content of the address.

My entire life our FLiCs have delivered some very pretty speeches during the State of the Union address and by my count, if we had honestly worked towards half of the things talked about in those speeches, our nation would be damn near perfect today. It’s not as if our FLiCs don’t have good ideas as much as they are almost totally incapable of making any of them happen. I imagine that the original intent behind the State of the Union Address was to inform the Congress about the current shape of the world and our nation’s position in it. This is because the Congress was so busy working out our domestic issues and drafting legislation that they didn’t have much time left over for such things. Clearly this is no longer the case today. Today the Address is about begging the Congress to do anything at all while wondering aloud what is wrong with the American people who keep electing them.

Our FLiC did actually mention a few things that we might want to address in the coming year if we can ever manage to tear ourselves away from the never-ending downward spiral of bickering and elementary school passive-aggressiveness that is the debt ceiling “debate.” You know, minor issues like our crumbling infrastructure, our antiquated environmental policies, our continuing failure to improve education in a meaningful way, our increasingly short-sighted and juvenile fixation on fossil fuels, and our enduring love affair with a military that is more expensive than the next 10 in the world and designed to fight an enemy that no longer exists.

Of course all of this begs the question, “If you’re so damn smart, RW, what would you have said?” That’s a fair question. To begin with, I would have started off by outlining the largest challenges facing this nation (some are listed above). I would have pointed out that several extremely awesome Americans are already working to solve those problems and that we should be doing everything we can to listen to their advice and find ways to try their ideas. I would then have turned to the Congress and announced that as a body they have all proven themselves to be almost perfectly incompetent and that in the opinion of the People the State of our Union would be immensely better if they all quit immediately. As the 5 members of Congress still awake started to grumble and nudge (gently, because they are crazy old) their colleagues awake, I would have the doors to the chamber sealed and have the sisters from Saint Mary’s School of Eternal Etiquette spank them all with rulers until they promise to grow up.

I imagine that after this I would immediately be elected for another term.


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