Parenting Tips: Honor Student Edition

I know that you are already laughing thinking about me giving people parenting advice and I freely admit that I struggle with some of the finer points of child management, but I feel that there are quite a few parents out there who are absolutely clueless and could benefit from a few basic pointers.

Today I’d like to address the parents of honors students. If you are a parent of a regular kid some of this may apply to you, but chances are you’ve already figured most of this out already.

Tip 1: Your honor student, while an excellent person, is lying to you. What they lie to you about and why they do this are the only unknowns in the equation. The thing that you need to realize is that being an honor student doesn’t imply any additional “honor” in the student’s behavior; it simply implies that they are scholastically gifted. If anything, this means that they are better liars than most of their peers. I have found that the safest assumption to make is “guilty until proven innocent.”

In practical terms this means that when Susie comes home from school and tearfully explains to you that Mrs. Whatsit tore up her report (that she spent days on), spit on it, set it on fire, and gave her a zero because she hates her, it might be best if you don’t automatically believe this story and storm into the school demanding Mrs. Whatsit’s resignation.

Tip 2: Your honor student will take progressively harder classes and it is more than likely that at some point they will receive a grade other than an “A.” Some honor students will receive this not-A earlier than others, but rest assured it will happen. It will not happen because the teacher in question refuses to recognize your child’s brilliance nor will it happen because you child isn’t medicated enough. It will simply happen. Perhaps they don’t like the class or liked the class but liked the hottie sitting next to them more; who knows? The important point is this: the correct action you should take when this happens is NOTHING. It is vitally important that your honor student experience something they think of as failure and survive it in order to learn that such setbacks are survivable. If your honor student finishes school without having ever failed and they head off into the World of Disappointment so unprepared they are likely to descend into a world of drug addiction, prostitution, and madness. Worse, they could become public school teachers!

Tip 3: No college worth attending cares about the percent grade earned in any given high school class. They are aware that some (if not all) high school teachers are suspect and can’t be relied on to accurately parse student success to the hundredth decimal place. In fact, I would wager that most colleges worth attending barely care about your honor student’s high school record at all! As testament to this, I would like to point out that I was invited to several colleges worth attending before October of my senior year. Shocking, I know! So not only is stressing out yourself and your honor student about the difference between a 95.4 and a 96.2 completely missing the point of the class, but it is also a colossal waste of time and energy which only results in hurt feelings and a sudden taste for gangsta rap.

It is my sincere hope that honor student parents everywhere take these basic tips to heart in order to preserve what’s left of their sanity and their hair. Cheers!

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