My one Faithful Reader yesterday reminded us that the current theory concerning the impending apocalypse (only 8 days, folks!) is that it will be in zombie form. Presumably this is because God promised us that he wouldn’t flood the Earth again (all evidence to the contrary)* and locusts are so easily dealt with by using DDT.
I have had several discussions with students regarding different survival strategies for the zombie apocalypse. This is my survival guide. Please feel free to debate its merits here or among yourselves.
Step 1: Get a wooden baseball bat. – You may be tempted to grab a gun, or something equally scary like a chainsaw or crossbow, but there are some things you need to think about first. Do you know how to shoot a gun or crossbow? Even if you know how to use them, do you have enough ammunition or gasoline (for the chainsaw) to keep them working if the zombies take more than a few days to die? A wooden baseball bat is sturdy enough and heavy enough to make a dent in a zombie (everyone agrees that head trauma will drop a zombie), easy to find, and pretty hard to accidentally kill yourself with.
Step 2: Get some fishing gear. – This is a continuing thought from step one. While we would all like to think that we could hunt for our food if we had to, the reality is that most of us are totally useless in this department. Fish are pretty stupid and easily caught with minimal calories spent, however, and it is even possible to eat them raw if you are totally unable to start a fire. Also, it is unclear if zombies know how to swim, so bodies of water might offer a hasty path of retreat.
Step 3: Have fun! – It seems to me that nearly everyone who contemplates the zombie apocalypse thinks that it will be a desperate and depressing time. Really?! Personally I can’t imagine anything more fun! It’ll be like the ultimate camping trip and game of tag mixed together. I’ve actually paid for vacations like that.
My apocalypse plan only has three steps because I think that it’ll be important to be flexible. It is very possible to get bogged-down with an extensive checklist and you’ll miss a golden opportunity.
On a totally unrelated note, I noticed that the staff vending machine is already nearly empty and they have added a giant padlock to it. Are folks here at the School of the Souciant really that stressed out before the holiday break? I had no idea that things had gotten that bad. Maybe my next checklist will include tips on how to remain calm in these stressful times.
* I know that both hyperlinks refer to the same study. Some people have little tolerance for reading science papers, so I included an article that sums it up.