Today will live on in History (a small town just north of here) as the day that America once again became a more awesome place to live than Canada. For the past several elections U.S. citizens on the losing side of national elections have been threatening to move to Canada because they are more awesome. Their liberals are more liberal and their conservatives are more conservative. Basically, our neighbors to north are way cooler than us and we’ve known it for a long time.
All that changes today! I am sure that some people will think that today was historic because we re-elected President Obama without bloodshed, riots, or military coup (an increasingly rare state of affairs in the world), but those people are obviously not among my 20 or so faithful readers.
Today I announce my candidacy for President of the United States. If elected, I’ll be the first almost totally obscure internet blogger to win the post and you will be able to say that you were there at the beginning of the greatest American triumph story since Rudy. The WTF America? campaign starts today.
My campaign slogan, “More American than America” really sums up my political philosophy. I love everything about America more than you do, so you should vote for me. Basically, my position is that everything done by Americans in America is a thousand times more awesome than everything else and we should be working from that premise to make everything even better. If you think that wrapping yourself in the American Flag isn’t good enough, then I’ll have it tattooed on my chest.
In 4 short years when I’m President-elect Rockwalker, Americans everywhere (even the ones hiding in Canada) will be able to breathe a sigh of relief secure in the knowledge that after decades of watching Presidents bumble about in their vain attempts to pander to the electorate and generally only achieve half-measures and moderate successes, we’ll finally have a leader worthy of having his name on our belt buckles!
Over the next several months, I’ll be pointing out examples of how I would be doing things differently if I were President already so that everyone can get a better sense of the particular policies that I’ll be enacting starting on Day 1 of my tenure. I feel that it is only fair to warn you now that sometimes I’ll be serious and sometimes not so much. I will do my best not to tell you which is which so that you can have more fun debating my relative sanity among yourselves!