Mrs. RW and I are preparing to celebrate our 7th anniversary in a few days. As always, we’re having a hard time deciding on how to celebrate and what kinds of gifts to give each other. When every day reaches new heights of bliss (hi honey!), it’s really difficult to figure out how to do or give something really special.
This year we’ve decided to take a virtual tour of India. We’ll be immersing ourselves in Indian customs, cuisine, and social events. For my part, I’m really looking forward to the henna tattoo (I can’t decide if a stylized tiger crouching in the reeds or the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man is more my speed).
Are you confused? Is this an inside joke gone too far? Let me explain. My youngest sister is celebrating her marriage to an Indian American fellow (in fact, the previously mentioned sometime reader “Almond“) this weekend and she has foolishly invited not only me (I have it on good authority that Mom made her do it), but also the entire RW Clan!
The opportunity for mischief here is almost unbearable. What could possibly go wrong with a bunch of barely civilized southern rednecks running around a largish group of “ethnically diverse” soon-to-be in-laws? I can almost perfectly picture the Gnome saying to me in a stage-whisper that carries to the far end of the hall, “Why are all these people brown?” I have also threatened to arrive carrying packets of ketchup and walking around saying, “Jeez, yinz don’t have no Heinz, n’at?! Here ya go!”
My sister has wisely forbidden me from going anywhere near the microphone at any point during the weekend because she knows that my (rather limited at the best of times) ability to control myself will completely abandon me and there’s no telling what I might say. Some folks limit themselves to only mentioning inappropriate or embarrassing things that happen to be true, but as an almost totally obscure internet blogger I of course have long since abandoned any such scruples in my mindless pursuit of laughs and popularity.
Should the microphone be left unattended for a few seconds, I have prepared a few possible opening lines that I’d like to focus group test here in order to decide which one would be the best. Remember, I’ll only have a few moments before Almond tackles me and pummels me into unconsciousness, so it’ll have to be a good one.
1. “Thank goodness you finally found someone to marry you. I was worried that I was going to have to listen to “today was the worst day ever” phone calls for the rest of my life!”
2. “Almond, you are aware that our family has a ‘no return policy,’ right?”
3. “Sis, we noticed over here at the family table that you only had 6 beers tonight, so we’re guessing you’re still in the first trimester?”
4. (As I’m carted off by Almond’s cousins) “Hey look! An Oreo Cakester!”
Let me know what you think, Dear Readers, and I’ll be sure to let you know how it all went! I was originally planning on live-blogging the event, but Mrs. RW threatened to beat me with the
bread maker mystery wedding present we’re bringing if I did, so you’ll have to wait on tenterhooks to hear about it.
— All jokes aside, I couldn’t be happier for you, Dee, and I wish you all the best!