The Demonic Lawn

Yesterday I quietly confirmed what you have all known to be true for years; that my life is ridiculously uninteresting. In fact, I think that if anyone were to ever attempt to write a screenplay about my life it would consist of mostly of one horrendously long montage of me standing on a scale and shaking my head in bewilderment and disbelief while I got progressively more bald.

In fact, aside from the Great Bicycle Adventure the only thing that I’ve done this summer is wage war upon my lawn. I’ve become convinced that my lawn is possessed by a minor demonic entity known as Paul. Paul isn’t a great name for a demon, which he freely admits, but demons are granted names based upon the evilness of their actions and you have to admit that possessing someone’s lawn just to annoy one middle-aged white guy is pretty low on the Scale of Evil.

You have to understand that I’m not a fan of lawns. I think that they are a terribly uninteresting way to landscape a space and that when compared to the visual interest and biodiversity offered by other options, they are a testament to mankind’s laziness more than anything else. I would love to dig up my lawn and replace it with something lower maintenance, but I’m a public school teacher and the funds for such projects must come from denying my children candy for a few years.

My current lawn was already planted when I bought our house. I understand that the only thing more unattractive than a grass lawn is an unkempt grass lawn and so even though it galls me, I’m forced to mow it once a week.

Enter, Paul.

Paul has decided that the only thing more evil than making a fat white guy mow his lawn in the ridiculous heat of a North Carolina summer is to make him  mow unnaturally thick grass in the ridiculous heat of a North Carolina summer. I am not kidding when I say that my lawn has been growing 4 inches a day and in such a thick mat that the Gnome went into the back yard last Saturday and I only found her yesterday while I was mowing the lawn again. Apparently she had stopped to look at a bird or something and Paul made the grass grow up so fast around her ankles that she was trapped and quickly cocooned.

The local priest has so far refused my request for an exorcism, saying that demons don’t normally possess lawns and that it would make him look silly in front of the neighbors, so I suppose that Paul and I will continue to duke it out until I can steal enough money from my children to get rid of my grass.

I briefly thought about starting a “Kill Paul, He’s a Devil” campaign to raise money to tear out the grass and plant something else, but given that there are quite a few people named Paul in the community, I thought that my efforts might be misconstrued.

It’s been 24 hours since I’ve mowed the lawn and it has grown enough to shade the windows again, so I suppose that I’ve got to head back out. I’m so glad that it’s only going to be 100 degrees today! Finally a break in the weather!


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