Brotherly Advice

As a big brother to not one, but two younger sisters, I have spent my entire life dispensing brotherly advice. This is a unique kind of advice which doesn’t actually help the person receiving it. It’s not intended with malice or deceit, it’s just that brothers (especially older ones) are fantastically bad at giving advice.

I have no idea if this is true of sisters as well, but following advice from your big brother is guaranteed to be amusing (to your brother, at least) and could possibly result in either a new tattoo, jail time, or being featured on the evening news.

Of course this is not to suggest that big brothers will ever stop giving you advice. It’s one of the perks of the position. Growing up we had to deal with you tagging along and generally making our lives miserable by forcing us to pretend to abandon you in the woods or threaten to make you find your own way home from school if you didn’t get moving. So now we’re perfectly justified in giving you singularly unhelpful advice on the off-chance that you’ll lose your mind for a minute and take it.

As it happens, my youngest sister is in need of some brotherly advice today. You see, after 8 years of being tortured by an incompetent bitch of a Fearless Leader, she has found a new job and today gets to tell them all to go to hell. Now being an internationally acclaimed professional in her field (I think she does massages or something) she probably thinks that she’s got a good handle on how this meeting should go down, but she’s wrong and she needs my advice.

Ok, Sis, here are my suggestions. You may take the best idea, but you’ll get bonus points for using more than one idea and I’ll even tell Mom the truth about The Incident.

1. This meeting should be conducted entirely via chat message. That is, you should arrange for a physical meeting where you are all in the same room, but refuse to say anything aloud. Instead, just text her something like, “Hey, I’m quitting… Bye” Emoticons are acceptable.

2. You should tell everyone on your staff before telling her and see how long it takes her to find out. Use this as a conversation starter about her “managerial style” and suggest that she work on her people skills.

3. Don’t say anything; to anyone. Just stop going to work. Eventually they’ll figure it out. Wait until you’ve received 5 angry phone calls demanding to know what’s going on and then waltz into the office in flip-flops (bring your dog) and start packing all your personal stuff up. On your way out, mention that you got a new job.

4. You know how every time your boss starts screaming at you for failing to cover up her incompetence you sit there and take it because you’re afraid that you’ll start telling her off? You should say everything that comes into your head when she starts in on you about quitting. Oh, and please record that conversation and I’ll post it here for posterity.

Did I forget something?

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One thought on “Brotherly Advice

  1. stumpsmcgee

    RW, while I admire your suggestions, I am a little surprised that a completely obscure internet blogger like yourself missed the obvious idea: Social Media. I think our little sister should post her resignation on Facebook, or Tweet it, and hope someone somewhere out there will read it. 🙂

    Like

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