The life of the almost totally obscure internet blogger is a charmed one. Nearly everywhere I go, people completely ignore me and do their level best to deny my existence. Whenever I present an idea at work about how to better serve our students I’m met with either icy silence or a derisive snort. To my way of thinking, this is exactly how it should be. After all, I’m just another smart ass bloviating semi-anonymously about complete nonsense in an effort to amuse myself and the serious minority that finds my particularly slanted worldview humorous.
All that has come to a crashing halt this week. WordPress (the software engine that powers this corner of the internet) likes to keep stats on your blog for you and send you alerts when something pseudo-momentous occurs. For example, when I created my 100th post I received an email alert with way too many exclamation marks telling me that the next too-excited alert would happen on my 150th post. This week I received an announcement that I had just acquired my 5th follower.
I know that up until now, Dear Reader, you had assumed that you belonged to the most exclusive club on the internet, but it appears that all of that may be changing. Everyone (and by “everyone” I mean everyone currently in the room with me) knows that once a blog has 5 followers it’s only 25 years or so away from going viral. In fact, it’s entirely possible that before I’m cryogenically frozen for posterity I may have as many as a dozen followers!
I can barely imagine what my life will be like if that happens. Will I be able to go to a coffee shop like a normal person? Will I have to start shopping at trendy stores just in case a candid photo is snapped? Will I have to change the name of my Faithful Hound Winston in order to protect his privacy?
At the very least I will likely be hailed as the founder of the Urban Goat Farming and Artisanal Cheese movement. In fact, I’m already having my autobiography written (by the Gnome, in crayon) so that when the 2nd Annual Urban Goat Conference invites me as a keynote speaker I’ll be prepared to give the people what they want. (The reason I won’t attend the 1st annual UGC is because the 1st conference of anything is always a bunch of folks standing around a keg saying, “Dude, we should totally do this every year and let’s invite some more people!” )
So my life as an almost totally obscure internet blogger appears to be coming to an end, but my life as a completely unimportant internet blogger is just beginning and who knows to what heights my fame will soar?
To my 5 followers I would like to say thank you and that your complimentary goat cheese wheel is in the mail so be sure to check your mailbox every day because I’m pretty sure that it won’t keep for very long.