I have been a fat kid my whole life. I distinctly remember shopping for new school pants in the “husky” section (one of my earliest memories) and even today I have to migrate to the Corner of Shame in the department store (otherwise known as the Big and Tall section). You know that it is the Corner of Shame because they don’t even try to pretend that anyone makes clothes that look good for people with my shape (“round” is a shape, ok!?). Instead the message is, “here’s a tablecloth I cut some holes in… go for it, Fatty.”
I suppose that I could follow the trend today and blame my out-sized proportions on genetics, stress, or some as-yet unnamed chronic disorder, but if we’re going to be totally honest there is really only one reason for my ginormosity; pizza.
Pizza is the greatest culinary achievement of our age. It is the perfect food for every occasion and excellent in every way. Whether you choose to pile it high with meats, or veggies, or both; craft it in a deep dish or with a thin crust; pizza is the most amazing thing mankind has ever invented. Frozen, delivered, artisanal, or homemade, I will scarf a pizza any day of the week.
Of course, this is not to say that pizza loves me back. No, ours is a clear case of unrequited love. No matter how many odes and sonnets I write, or how many fervent prayers of thanks I mumble around mouthfuls of cheesy goodness, my pizza is moved only to derisive laughter as it forces the needle on my scale ever upwards.
It seems simple to say that I should just give up eating pizza and certainly that would make sense. I have to ask, do you, Dear Reader, have a favorite food? Could you so easily give up hot dogs or chips or maybe even soda? Not so funny when I turn the tables, is it?
So it is with a heavy heart (literally) that I am announcing that pizza and I are breaking up and going our separate ways. I have folded my purpose-made pizza tray in half and thrown it away. Others may continue to enjoy this divinely inspired culinary wonder, but as a pizza addict, I can’t be trusted with even a tiny taste, lest I slide back into my bad habits.
Even writing the above is sending me into withdrawal and I’m starting to sweat a bit and get shaky, so I’ll leave it there for now and write again if I survive the detox process.
Wish me luck!