Swingline Staplers

The more I work here at the Pinnacle of Ponderous Pinheads, the more I realize that I am actually living in the movie, Office Space. I haven’t had time to write to you, Dear Readers, because the new semester has begun in earnest and AP students are needy little anklebiters who demand quite a lot of attention.

Everyone responds to work stress in different ways. Some people drink, other people photocopy their butts, and still others hunch in on themselves in a vain attempt to escape notice while chugging Pepto Bismol. Sadly, I don’t respond to work stress in any of the usual ways. Instead, I send snarky email replies to anyone stupid enough to alert me to the fact that tomorrow is “Be Cheerful At Work Day!” I understand that this doesn’t endear me to my coworkers, but I can’t help myself.

Unfortunately, one of the emails I received this week was from our Fearless Leader, who wanted us to know that the odd banging noises coming from the roof this week were maintenance guys doing repair work. (No Shit?! You mean, we DON’T have magical elves living up there granting us wishes?!) Naturally I fired off a reply whose only purpose was to confuse and concern my Fearless Leader.

Somehow, in the space of a few minutes, my snarky comment turned into a promise to submit a proposal to the Asst. Superintendent and not one but two(!) grant applications to have wind power installed by the end of the week. I must admit it was the most masterful execution of Fearless Leader Fu that I have seen in several years.

Did I tell my Fearless Leader that I don’t actually know how to do any of those things? Did I mention that teaching my classes was really going to occupy my entire week and that I couldn’t possibly do a good job on such short notice? No, of course I didn’t. Like everyone else at the Monument to Mishigas, I’m going to fold my hands and say, “Yes of course, I’ll get right on that” and continue to work in the dark in the basement until they take my Swingline Stapler. I prefer it to the PaperPros because they don’t bind as much.


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