Epiphanies and Hot Dogs

I have felt that over the last several days of the holiday break that an epiphany was growing inside of me. For those of you who’ve never had this experience, it’s quite a lot like gas, but without the release and fun of farting.

Anyway, as I arose from bed in the middle of the night to begin readying myself for the first day back to school, the epiphany broke over me like the SPD emission of the dog who had somehow managed to scarf a sauerkraut-laden frankfurter.

This thought has been dominating my thoughts all day and I really feel that if I don’t get it written down it will cause me serious harm and possibly even indigestion.

Public school teaching might be the worst choice of a profession for a disaffected introverted slacker like myself.

Future Generators are bubbly, sociable, and hard-working professionals who’s greatest joy in life is to see the shining young stars of our society’s future succeed. Good Future Generators revel in helping their students solve complicated problems and accept with good humor having to repeat themselves in new and interesting ways dozens of times just waiting (usually while grinning hugely) to see the spark of understanding ignite behind the eyes of their beloved pupils.

Me? Not so much. So I’ve decided that I’ve only got two real options. I can give up the glamorous life of a Future Generator and try to find out where my professional skills of holidays off and BS might find employment, or I can attempt to become one of the aforementioned good Future Generators. Given that with the impending elections (they are only 11 months away now, brace yourselves!) the market for bullshitters is pretty saturated, I suppose that only leaves me with option 2.

I tried smiling and appearing to be interested in what my students were doing in class today, but apparently I messed it up because nearly all of them asked me if I was feeling well and some of the more sensitive starting crying. Still, I’m determined to succeed and so I’ll just have to try a bit harder… maybe I wasn’t making enough eye contact.

I have also been practicing repeating simple instructions while maintaining a cheerful tone of voice. This is proving to be much more difficult, but I think that I stumbled across a formula that other teachers have used to great effect. I simply have to remember to keep smiling and repeat what I just said either more loudly or more slowly. It seems that either of these greatly facilitates understanding… at least there are no more questions. I think that if I can continue to make progress this year, I’m sure to be recognized as one of the good great Future Generators of this, or any, generation.

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