Approved: Holiday Sweaters

You too could be this happy!

I have finally reached that landmark place in almost totally obscure internet blogging where an even dozen people accidentally land here while actually looking for a good deal on slippers. Given this new high in readership, I have decided that I need to begin endorsing products. Like all great internet bloggers, I don’t actually know what I’m talking about and that makes this whole process of judging random things much easier.

In this first installment of “Approved” articles, I have decided on the always topical question of holiday sweaters. To be clear I am not talking about those form-fitting cashmere-soft sweaters that do a great job of highlighting curves both good (as in the case of Mrs. RW) and bad (Yours Truly). I am instead talking about the bag-shaped garments that always appear 2 sizes too large and convey a holiday concept.

These sweaters somehow magically combine the functionality of a sweater with the festive and whimsical spirit of the holidays. Truly, the holiday sweater is one of the highest expressions of wearable art in this (or any) age. There are as many different kinds of holiday sweaters as there are middle-aged women and hen-pecked husbands to wear them, but they fall into a few basic categories.

The Cartoon Sweater: This sweater features an abstract of a favorite cartoon or icon of the season. Do no be surprised to see Santa Claus, reindeer, or perhaps even a snowman on these perennial favorites. While arguably the most popular type of holiday sweater, they have become almost common and the true connoisseur of the holiday sweater will only wear them as a last resort.

The Abstract Sweater: These sweaters feature altogether more sophisticated designs that are attempting to invoke the holiday spirit without being so obvious as to have an actual character on them. Usually drawing inspiration from nature, these sweaters often invoke mountains, snow covered trees, or falling snow. Please use caution when viewing these sweaters for the first time as their complicated patterns and bright colors have been known to cause seizures.

The Musical Sweater: These awe-inspiring pieces have traditionally sported bells artfully sewn into the sweater in order to whimsically complete a scene or pattern. New artists have been experimenting with microchip technology and the latest breakthrough for the Musical Sweater allows these interactive classics to play entire songs. The button to activate them is usually hidden and/or placed someplace amusing so be careful as several lawsuits have already been filed.

The details are amazing!

The Lighted Sweater: Briefly popular in the 80’s, they fell out of favor when the circuits used to power the lights shorted and caught the sweater on fire. I’m happy to report that the new models (which feature energy efficient LED lights) are remarkably safer and much more sophisticated. There are rumors that the newest art being produced in this genre can actually spell out scrolling messages, ensuring that your coworkers and friends will receive your season’s greetings even in the event of a power outage.

It is actually really difficult to find any kind of fault or flaw with any of the holiday sweaters as they have become a timeless and classic expression of the joy of the season. You will probably find yourself trying to decide which sweater you should add to your collection this weekend. My advice is, “Don’t Choose!” take them both home and double the amount of joy in your life.

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