Not so Much.

Several times already this semester, Mrs. RW has maliciously called me a “morning person” in public. Please keep in mind that I’ve done nothing to warrant such slander, and yet she seems to take a fiendish delight in hurling the second most dire insult in modern english in my general direction. (Of course the first most heinous insult is “bubbly.”)

According to a certain online reference website, a “lark” or “morning person” is someone who prefers to wake up and retire early. Generally speaking, these people feel that they are alert when they wake up and likely to be in a decent mood.

While it is true that I wake up early, so does every educator in the country and I hardly think that many of them (Mrs. RW included) could fairly be called a morning person. The reason that teachers wake up hours before dawn every day is because several centuries ago in the Dark Ages of Mysticism, Merlin proclaimed that all students will perform better on arbitrary state tests if they begin their bright futures in total darkness. And so, because ours is a society of Sanity and Reason, we begin our workday at approximately the same time most everyone else is waking up.

It is also true that I wake up before everyone else in the house, but this is not because I enjoy waking up in the middle of the night. The reason I do this is because I am NOT a morning person. I am not alert, cheerful, chipper, or otherwise full of song when I arise, zombie-like, from the depths of my ridiculously comfortable bed. In fact, if anyone else in the house was awake to witness the daily spectacle of my groping for my glasses and staggering around the house bouncing off of every wall and stepping on every lost toy all the while groaning and cursing, I think that this vicious rumor would finally be put to rest. If I attempted to wake up at the same time as everyone else, it is entirely likely that my growling and snapping would result in minor injuries for anyone foolish enough to ask me a question.

The truth is that I could only be considered a morning person by someone who dislikes getting out of bed and getting started with their day even less than I do. Someone who might be perfectly willing to spend the entire morning thinking about moving to the living room couch in order to spend an afternoon eating chips and watching football games involving teams whose mascots are matters of excruciating minutia. Not that I actually know anyone like that; I’m speaking hypothetically of course.


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