Our Fearless Leaders, in their Infinite and Untouchable Wisdom, have decided that in order to make up for the entirely artificial shortfall of funds this year (our county commissioners could have provided us with the money we asked for, but they feel that 8th grade was enough skoolin’ fer dem, so it shuld be good ‘nough for today’s youngins) by asking our students to help pay for the “extra curricular” activities that they previously received free of charge.
I could get all “teacher-y” on you and begin ranting about how one of the main selling points for public education is that it grants students opportunities that they otherwise wouldn’t be able to afford and that creating additional fees for those students when times are tough is particularly heartless and stupid, but this isn’t that kind of blog, so I won’t.
Instead I will announce that this is a brilliant idea and I think that our Fearless Leaders haven’t even begun to go far enough. For starters, I’m a very funny person in class and while my students are too terrified to laugh at my jokes, I know that they appreciate them anyway. Given that the punch lines aren’t part of the standard curriculum I am essentially providing them with comedic material for free. At least, I was until now.
Effective immediately, every student will owe me a quarter for every joke I tell; 30 cents if they get it. I also provide my students with printed handouts in class nearly every day; those are now 10 cents a page. Now that I think about it, several times every semester I take my students outside and this requires that we open the doors, which allows very expensive cooled air to escape into the environment; that’s another nickel every time a student goes through an exterior door.
I’m really starting to get the hang of this new philosophy now and I have to say that the potential here is endless. Did you know that every time I discipline a student I have to fill out a report? That’s time out of my day and resources consumed that could otherwise be spent more productively. So it is only fair that the student owes the school $5 every time they are written up. Students will still be able to take their tests for free (we’re not tyrants, after all), but if you want them graded it’s a nickel; a dime if you want it graded correctly.
I don’t know why we didn’t think of this earlier. Why I’ll bet that with a little brainstorming we could have this school totally solvent again and finally whip these kids into shape! I feel like we are finally on the right track and that in no time public education in this great state will become a shining beacon of hope for the rest of the country.