Exploding Heads

Due entirely to my upcoming campaign for President, I have actually been paying attention to the things some of our elected officials have been saying. The last time I checked into the political process was when I turned 18 and flush with the novelty of being able to vote, decided that as an actual citizen I was obligated to know something about the candidates before voting for them. Two days later I emerged the cynical and broken man you see today.

The truth is that it doesn’t much matter which person is running for any given office because we are now engaged in “post truth” politics. (I wish that I could take credit for that most awesome phrase, but I first heard some nondescript talking head use it on TV, and so the credit belongs to them; whoever they are.)

As nearly as I can tell, the election platform for the Republicans is that the Democrats are wrong and the platform of the Democrats is that the Republicans are old, rich, white people who are wrong. I haven’t seen anyone anywhere actually suggest an idea because they think it would work and make some portion of this country better. The best I’ve seen is that some politicians are willing to go to bat for their corporate overlords to make their lives better, but that’s not exactly the same thing.

Given the above, I think that I’m beginning to decide upon my own platform. As I said before, neither political party would have me, so I’ll be running as an Independent. This means that I get to say that both Democrats AND Republicans are wrong. If I’ve read the approval poll numbers correctly, that position alone should be enough to get me elected, but in case it isn’t I have even more to offer The People. I can promise that it is a near certainty that no corporation with any sense at all will endorse my candidacy, so I can promise that all of the bad decisions I make while in office will be from ignorance instead of avarice. I think that the people will really respond to that because we all make mistakes, that’s how we learn!

One other thing that is sure to set the RW Presidency apart from everyone else’s is that I’m not going to wait until after my term to publish books about how awesome my staff and I were at our jobs. A book? Really? Do people still make those things? Instead, I’m going to live feed the cameras in the White House directly to the internet 24/7. Every week, the American People will get to pick two staff members to compete in a duel of some kind and the loser has to go back to work for the public sector. I briefly thought about adding an “after dark” segment, but Mrs. RW vetoed it on the grounds that she didn’t think that anything that happened then would contribute significantly to how a bill becomes a law.

I’m not sure what will happen during the “White House Show” (I’m still working on a title), but I do know that this revolutionary concept will definitely cause some heads to explode, literally. (Week 30’s duel involves flintlock pistols)


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