Hurricane Irene is even as we speak, slowly revolving towards our little hamlet here on the edge of the world like a crunchy chick at a Phish concert. Like the crunchy chick, Irene appears to be wandering aimlessly, but in reality she’s stumbling her way to you as quickly as she can to ask if you have any more weed and when you tell her that you don’t, she’ll go berserk and totally kill your buzz until you give her some. Not that I have any personal experience with such things, of course.
The major problem facing the Clan of RW today is whether or not we should flee like children before an Irene, or simply pack a cooler full of ice, milk, and bread and break out the deck of cards until the whole thing blows over. For some of you unfamiliar with the ways of hurricanes, this seems like a simple choice perhaps, but the RW Clan must factor in several interesting variables that could lead to some interesting scenarios. I’ll outline a few possible outcomes below:
Scenario 1: The RW Clan decides to stay and the storm causes little damage. In this scenario, the RW Clan, loaded with the aforementioned emergency staples, has elected to remain in the manor. The power will go out and our Faithful Hound will find the noise of the wind disquieting, but otherwise everyone basically chills out.
Scenario 2: The RW Clan decides to stay and the storm causes massive damage. Here we have the worst possible scenario as the RW Clan is now stuck in Beaufort due to massive flooding and in a few short days we begin to run out of milk and bread. This could be a disaster because if the RW Clan is cooped up too long together with no possibility of escape it is likely that we’ll begin to turn on each other and who knows which of us would survive the ordeal?
Scenario 3: The RW Clan decides to run for it and the storm causes little damage. Mainly this is a waste of time and energy and everyone we know will mock us for running away from a “little” hurricane. Everything about this scenario is humiliating; being stuck in traffic with wide-eyed tourists, having to camp on a friend’s couch while everyone you know is snug in their own beds, and even the “drive of shame” back into town where you try to pretend that you were just out for an errand, but everyone can see your overnight bags through the rear window and knows that you ran away like a bunch of woosies.
Scenario 4: The RW Clan decides to run for it and Irene becomes a major storm. Basically in this scenario it is cool to be alive and dry, but it also sucks because there is absolutely no way to tell when the flooding will recede enough in Kinston to let you get back home to clean up. (BTW, it is widely known that in every scenario listed above Kinston will be totally flooded and the roads there completely washed out. This happens every time it rains anywhere in NC and I really have to question the sanity of the people who choose to live there.)
So you can see that the RW Clan has some serious figgerin’ to do between today and tomorrow afternoon. Whatever decision we make will surely result in mayhem, so stay tuned for further updates!