Apocalypse Someday!

DC Earthquake Devastation

I’m sure that everyone has had weeks that have seemed to zoom past while you were busy doing something important and when you’re finished you step back and realize that it’s been a week since you’ve posted anything on your almost completely obscure internet blog. So what was I doing that was so game-changing that I haven’t had time to write anything?

I have been completely engrossed in reading the signs from the universe and I’ve determined that the End of the World is Nigh again. I know that I’ve previously predicted the end of the world and so far as anyone has been able to determine, my calculations may have been a little off the mark, but I’m positive that this time the Universe has sent me several unequivocal messages and I feel compelled to share with you what this portends.

The first sign was of course the impending disaster of the Monster Hurricane of Death (aka “Irene”) that is even as I type this, bearing down upon us like, well, a hurricane. Ignoring the fact that it has been quite a while since the last hurricane and that this one still has a 50% chance of missing us entirely, I have it from good authority (The Weather Channel) that the only reasonable response to Irene is to panic, buy toilet paper, batteries, and milk and then flee your homes.

The second sign occurred yesterday in the form of my teacher web page training module. In what has now become standard practice, we are switching grading and web page software again this year. Because the new software is totally user-friendly and comes with its own built-in FAQ and Help tools, our teachers began shrieking about how impossible it is to learn something new almost immediately and several of them had to be carted off in wheelchairs to a quiet place to calm down.

The last sign the Universe sent me was of course the one everyone is still talking about; the Great DC Shake of 2011. While the earthquake itself barely managed to rattle windows and knock a few bricks down, it is being hailed in DC as the Greatest Natural Disaster Ever. Normally I wouldn’t include such a minor event as a sign of the end of the world, but the quake did manage to crack the Washington Monument. Clearly this is a sign that America the Eternally Erect has lost its mojo.

I’ve learned my lesson and won’t make a prediction as to when the world will end, but I’m pretty sure that we’re closer than we were yesterday. I’ll leave you with the immortal words of one of yesterday’s parents, “I guess I shouldn’t worry too much, huh? I mean, how bad can it be?”

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