We Need Zombies!

The main thing that people hate about work is that it is boring. No matter how funky or alternative your chosen career might be, at some point you begin to realize that you are doing more or less the same thing every day.

Pretend for a second that you are lucky enough to be me and you are in charge of teaching tomorrow’s Tea Party that the environment is a never-ending cornucopia of raw materials whose sole purpose is to provide you with everything you could ever possibly want at a new low price because you are simply that amazing. Even a position of such awesome power and influence can over time start to seem a little monotonous. No matter how true it is, telling students that they are precious snowflakes whose every desire is a virtue, can occasionally get a bit boring.

Since nearly everyone I know spends at least as much time at work as they do at home, this means that the vast majority of us lead quite boring lives. Increasingly here in the Land of Indentured Servitude we Live to Work. It used to be the other way around, but we’ve all matured considerably since then and now we all recognize what’s really important in life.

I’m not quite resigned to the idea of having a completely boring life just yet and every year I suggest a few things to the staff of the Carnival of Consternation that might liven things up a bit and make the Serious Business of Education a bit more fun. Of course so far every single one of my suggestions have fallen on deaf ears. The majority opinion of our teachers is that teaching is Very Serious Business and being humorous or having fun in front of the students will lead to liberalism and car bombings.

A popular wish amongst younger teachers (and I suspect other professionals as well) is that if only the old killjoys would retire we could get around to having some fun at work. But of course teaching is a socialist evil and those older hidebound teachers will never retire because they now make such lavish salaries that retiring would mean that they would have to settle for the 67 foot yacht and who could possibly live with that?

It occurred to me that since we can’t make these curmudgeons retire, we have to kill them off. I know what you’re going to ask, and yes, killing old people is still illegal in North Carolina. (So much for the libertarian politics of the Tea Party… those hypocrites) So what if, instead of killing them, we simply turned them into the mindless undead? The state of North Carolina is an equal opportunity employer and I’m pretty sure that they can’t fire you for having a limp and a taste for brains.

I’m probably the last person to find out about this, but zombies have been appearing all over the country for several years now. Unsurprisingly, they seem to appear most often on campuses (I knew that fountain water tasted funny).

Some guys decided that college was way too serious for their taste and decided to invent a unique game of tag into their day, which they titled Humans vs. Zombies. This game is pretty awesome and I suggest that everyone take a look at it. It would be a funny game to play at work and would definitely go a long way towards livening things up a bit.

Who would have suspected that introducing zombies to the workplace would be good for people?


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