As I type this, I’m exactly 2 hours and 24 minutes away from exercising my incredible (some might say godlike) powers as Graduation Parking Czar. Two hours after that, my powers will be completely spent and I’ll revert to being an almost completely obscure internet blogger for another year.
As this magical window approaches I’m often swarmed under by admiring fans and the question that they most want to know is, “What’s it like to be a Parking Czar?” While the experience is rather difficult to verbalize, I’ll do my best.
For most of the year, I’m really quite an ordinary person in much the same way that Santa Claus is just some old guy with an anachronistic beard for 11 months. Sure, I’m better looking than the average guy and people still find me oddly fascinating, but really I’m just like everyone else.
As graduation approaches, however, things begin to change. It is subtle, but it gradually becomes apparent to nearly everyone that people are paying less and less attention to anything I say or do. If you ask people why they’re ignoring me, they’ll likely come up with a whole host of reasons like, “I’m organizing exams” or “I’m trying to get this graduation ceremony set up” or even “Leave me alone, dammit, I’m retiring!” This is how subtly the power of the Parking Czar works; all these people think that they’ve got their own thing going on, but in reality they are simply giving me the space I need to perform my most awesome of duties.
As the day draws ever nearer, the Power of the Parking Czar continues to wax. Now when I ask people to help coordinate the flow of traffic they are completely unable to resist and find themselves compelled to stand out in the heat and point at motorists. Unless of course they have to babysit, attend some other function, do their hair… you know how it is.
On the day of graduation my power reaches its peak and I am overcome with an almost boundless energy. It propels me out onto the parking lot to heroically arrange signs and traffic cones in weather conditions that would certainly cause any normal human being to perspire uncontrollably. As an example it was approximately 85 degrees outside today and there were no clouds in sight; hellish conditions indeed!
As each car is parked I can feel my powers drain a little at a time until finally everyone who wished to witness graduation is jammed into the rapidly overheating gym and auditorium and they become someone else’s problem. Truly the powers of the Parking Czar are as mysterious as they are awesome.
There are some people who say that the Parking Czar should have treasure and accolades showered on him for his good deeds for the people, and who am I to argue?