Cell Phones Kill Babies!

They don’t of course, unless the baby attempts to swallow it or the phone inexplicably gives off a huge surge of electrical current while the baby is holding it, but that rarely happens any more, as far as I know. Really I was just trying my hand at writing sensational titles to articles in order to draw in more readers.

I was skimming the web for environmental news the other day (skimming is like surfing, but in much shallower water and with a commensurately larger chance for brain damage) when I happened upon several hysterical articles. Of course hysteria is something one must become accustomed to when dealing with the sort of people motivated to write about the continuing ills of the environment, but even by those standards these articles were particularly shrill.

The first one was a piece concerning the mysterious case of exploding watermelons in China. Apparently a chemical they spray on watermelons makes them grow very fast, but too much and they explode like landmines. The one farmer who witnessed this terrible carnage was quoted as saying, “These images will haunt me forever.” – Ok, how isolated are Chinese farmers, anyway?! Are you truly suggesting that the sheer awesomeness that is an exploding watermelon is the worst nightmare scene you can think of? Haven’t you seen any episode of “The Real Housewives”? I want everyone to think of your next picnic and picture slipping a self-exploding watermelon onto the table just as everyone is getting set to enjoy their burgers… BOOM! and hilarity ensues. You just became the coolest member of the family for 12 generations.

The second article was about some report that suggests that cell phone signals cause bees to become agitated and forces them to leave their hives. This all sounds very alarming unless you actually read the report which states that the researchers jammed the cell phones into the hives. Excuse me, Professor Outdoors, do you know what else will cause bees to become agitated and leave if you jam it into the hive? A stick. Trust me on this one, it works every time. Just in case you’re confused, I’m not talking about some fancy hi-tech iStick that will also download my latest stock buys. I’m pretty sure that the sticks of my youth didn’t emit RF waves and yet the bees responded just the same. Can you believe that some clown actually got a research grant to conduct those experiments? Is this what science has devolved to in this country? Basically a white-coated version of “Watch This!”?

Alright, I’m finished being hysterical for a while and I’ll allow you to return to your regularly scheduled lives. After all I’m sure that those are just two ridiculous stories that some editor didn’t bother to proofread and the rest of the skimming session will go without incident. See, this next article says, “Everything you do Causes Cancer.”

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