Sweating like an Oldie

I was reminded that Wednesday’s are sometimes referred to as “Hump Day.” This strikes me as ridiculously unfortunate. Of course I can understand why it’s called that, but couldn’t we have picked a better phrase? The english language has some 500,000 commonly used words in it and the best one we could come up with for Wednesday is “Hump Day.”

I suppose I object on the basis that the name fails in nuance. Not to put too fine a point on it, Wednesday seems like the least likely day one would get to employ more than one definition of the word. I mean, you’re tired from 3 days of work with the knowledge of two more to come and most everyone is going to bed early because they simply can’t take another 2 hours of NCIS reruns. Not exactly a romantic or even mildly exciting scenario, if you ask me.

Of course after all that setup I’m sure that everyone is expecting me to unveil my alternate names for the days of the week. Well guess what? Today is Wednesday and I don’t really feel like it, so you can forget it. My days of the week have already been alternately named by the exercise routine scheduled for that day, but I don’t think those would translate into a more universal nomenclature. (This is largely because it goes something like, “O Crap, Today is F-ing Plyometrics Day.)

O yes, I’ve been attempting (with mixed success) to get into a slightly less round shape. Normally someone would write “get back into shape” but let’s be totally honest, I was never really a good shape to begin with. It’s been a painful and often embarrassing process, but I’m determined to see it through.

The reason for my newfound love of cardio and strength training is that our New and Improved Diminishing Returns Health Carrier has decided that in addition to everyone paying more for their coverage, they won’t even allow you to keep your current plan if you smoke or are fat. The smoking part was implemented a year ago and I didn’t make a big deal about it then because I don’t smoke, but this year they’re going after fat people and I gotta say I’m pretty outraged by it. In fact, I planned a march on their headquarters, but we all got winded a few blocks into it and decided to stop and get lunch at Wendy’s instead. We wrote them some pretty angry letters on our napkins, though.

Our NIDRHC has decided that in order to determine who is overweight and who isn’t, they’re totally cool with using a completely outdated indicator, the BMI scale. For those of you unfamiliar, the BMI scale asks for exactly two inputs; height and weight. Then they compare you to a biology classroom skeleton and determine how fat you are. All other considerations like muscle mass, skeletal structure, physical deformities, etc. are conveniently ignored as totally unimportant.

So in order for me to work my way out of the BMI’s “You’ve got to be kidding” category and into the “Seriously, you should lose some weight” category, I have to either amputate a few limbs or exercise more. I wanted to do the amputations, but that’s considered an “elective surgery” and it’s not covered by the NIDRHC.

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