I have been sitting here for 5 minutes with my hands poised over the keyboard wondering what I’m going to write about today. During that time several choice topics flitted through my head, but none of them really seemed to capture the magic of today’s journey through the Hallway of Hysteria.
It’s now two days after the prom and people have broken up, gotten back together, sworn to hate each other for life, and become BFFs; and of course the students have had their fair share of the drama as well.
I overheard a teacher witnessing one of these overly dramatic moments in the hallway say something like, “O to be young again!” Really? Does anyone in their right mind actually want to be young again? Don’t you people realize how incredibly stupid you were back then? Why on earth would you want to re-live that?
For my part, I couldn’t wait to be old and curmudgeonly. Being able to accuse other people of being young and foolish from the vantage point of my hard-earned wisdom will be one of the highlights of my life. Sure, I’ll be suffering from chronic back pain, lose my dentures, and probably be slowly dying from some as-yet unnamed disease unwittingly brought on by the consumption of too many hot dogs in my youth, but it’ll be totally worth it.
As we move closer and closer to the 15th (the day by which our Fearless Leaders are required to tell us if we’ll be employed next year) you can feel the tension mounting. Some teachers are even starting to act out their frustrations. One tried to set his classroom on fire, another told her students that she was proud of them, and a third admitted that they had always wanted to play jazz trombone. Indeed, things are beginning to look pretty grim.
For my part, I’m much more sanguine about the whole thing. After all, I have a Plan B. As I’m sure you remember I was originally going to open an Extreme Urban Goat Farming venture, but there was a small problem obtaining the permits. So instead I’ve decided to write a children’s book. It will be an allegorical tale of a pond who’s resident beavers are having a hard time getting their children to give a damn about their dam. It will slowly be revealed that because no one gave a damn about teaching the children about the importance of dams, the damn dam is doomed to break and the whole town will go straight to the muskrats.
Perhaps future generations will find this tale amusing. Then again, it is highly unlikely that future generations will be able to read it, so I’m going to be proactive and turn the whole thing into a 5 minute YouTube video clip. I briefly toyed with the idea of turning off comments for the video, but I think that the most popular comment of “This suuuuuuucks” will really lend weight and a sense of irony to the whole piece, don’t you think?
In any event, tomorrow is another day and as sure as the sun will rise, 954 students will ask me if they can go to the bathroom, so I better think up a bunch of clever responses.