Extreme Urban Goat Farming

I’m simply going to assume from the nonplussed flood of noncomments made last week about my urban goat farming venture that people simply didn’t know that I was contemplating such a career change. I must say that it is more or less a new spin on an ancient idea and while it might only be considered “extreme” in the sense that some people might think it’s an extremely stupid idea, if you don’t put some over the top adjective in your title, people won’t take you seriously.

The idea of urban goat farming came to me in a dream. In this dream I was mowing the lawn. In fact, this dream was a nightmarish montage of the countless freaking hours I’ve spent in my life mowing lawns. I hate mowing the lawn with the white-hot burning intensity of a thousand suns. The idea that some people actually water and fertilize their lawns in order to mow them more often actually churns my stomach and makes me suspect that we’ve done away with electroshock therapy too soon.

Anyway, I woke from that dream in a cold sweat with the realization that unless something dramatic changed in my life, I was doomed to mow my lawn for the rest of my life. Originally my plan was to kill my lawn outright by setting it on fire, but Mrs. RW reminded me that might be against some kind of law or something. So then I decided to dig up all the grass and replant it with decorative perennials and groundcovers that I wouldn’t have to mow, but do you have any idea how expensive pretty weeds are? In the end I decided that I needed a way to maintain the lawn I have while avoiding mowing it.

One afternoon while I was mowing the lawn I was thinking about how much my Faithful Hound Winston loved playing in the yard and how unfortunate it was that he wasn’t an herbivore that enjoyed eating grass. Wouldn’t it be cool if there were pet-sized domestic animals that enjoyed eating grass? Wouldn’t it also be cool if their poop was a natural fertilizer?

That moment was the The Moment that I struck upon my Plan B! I could raise pygmy goats to eat my lawn. More than that, though, I could save all my neighbors the drudgery associated with mowing their lawns by offering them the use of my pygmy goats for a day or two. Like all revolutionary strokes of genius, this idea unfolded in my head in the space of moments like a poorly done origami flower.

My Extreme Urban Goat Farm will go from house to house and set up a small electric fence to contain the pygmy goats. I’ll release the goats into the enclosure and let them munch the grass. When they are finished, herd them back up, pack up the fence and we’re off to the next house. Apparently goats can’t be potty trained, so I’ve decided that the goat pellets they leave behind are actually “all natural organic fertilizer” and I’ll charge extra for it.

I’m sure that the question burning in your mind at this point is, “Why pygmy goats?” Well, I figure that smaller goats will be easier to pack into the back of a truck, plus when they ram you it won’t hurt as much (goats like to ram things because they’re not real bright). Plus, apparently you can eat them if you have to and you can even milk them if you’ve small enough fingers, so the Extreme Urban Goat Farm has the potential for multiple revenue streams.

Currently I’m looking for investors for the Extreme Urban Goat Farm. I’m not a greedy person and I think that a democratic profit-sharing system will work best, so invest now to get the most bang for your buck (or doe)!


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