Long time readers know that I’m not one to complain about things. I’m a very easy-going person whose outlook on life can best be described as “laconically sanguine.” In fact, it is entirely possible that I’ll shortly be publishing my latest self-help book entitled, Be Cool. So far it only consists of one chapter, but really how much advice to people need in addition to “be cool”?
I only mention my general coolness because it stands in stark contrast to my attitude this morning and several people were shocked at my attitude.
When I walked outside this morning, there was FROST on the ground! It had gotten cold enough outside last night that actual frozen water had condensed on everything! As this is the end of March, I find this weather to be totally unacceptable. I moved out of the unbearable arctic hell that is Western PA for a reason, dammit! I can’t believe that I’m being forced to contend with this crap at this point in my life.
I have been operating motor vehicles since I was 16 and have made it a point to keep every one of them poorly maintained and spewing as much CO2 into the atmosphere as possible while simultaneously leaving the lights on in the house when no one’s home and only buying products from countries whose capitals are unpronounceable by humans for the sole reason that I would no longer have to put up with cold weather.
Despite all of my hard work, this is what I get? Frost in March? This is simply unacceptable. To whom do I have to speak to get some action on this issue. I’m afraid that I can no longer sit around and allow our weather to be this unpredictable (and downright cold) any longer.
I know that the Koch brothers have assured us that we are on the right track and in short order winters will be a thing of the past, but I’m beginning to doubt whether those clowns know what they’re talking about. After all, they’ve been telling us that everything is going according to plan for what, 10 years now?
Lately I’ve been feeling that people don’t really care about heating up the planet anymore and have moved on to other important projects like closing down NPR and Planned Parenthood. These are worthy goals to be sure, but can they really compare to the vision that is an end to cold weather?
Just imagine it, folks! No more ski jackets, mittens, or studded tires; just endless days of shorts, violent weather, and malaria outbreaks. And let’s not even start talking about all the exciting new beach front property that’ll soon be on the market! You better believe you’ll some economic recovery when those start selling!
Today’s weather was a wake up call, people! We’ve been making progress on the global warming front, but we’ve got a long way to go! Let’s keep up the good work and remain focused on the prize! We can do it!