The average life expectancy for an American male is roughly 75 years; barring accident, rank stupidity, or street justice (which is always bloody). Given this one fact it occurred to me that I am quickly approaching my mid-life crisis. The mid-life crisis (MLC) is a right of passage for many men and something that I definitely don’t want to walk into blithely. I figure that you only get one shot at a great mid-life crisis and you definitely don’t want to screw it up.
As I began planning my MLC I immediately ran into a snag concerning what kind of crisis I should have. Should I try to realize unfulfilled dreams from my youth or try to reinvent myself as a totally new person? As you can imagine, this is quite the quandary. I am a very serious person and this enigma nearly sent me spiraling towards an unending madness of introspection that could have only ended with electroshock therapy and a motorcycle.
It would all be so much easier if I had ever dreamed of reinventing myself as someone new, but alas I’ve always been somewhat lacking in imagination and my most interesting dreams only ever got as far as dancing bear and some pretty trippy guitar solos.
Clearly, planning my MLC is going to be more work than I thought. It’s really a good thing then that I’ve got a little while before any serious decisions need to be made. In the meantime, I think that I’ll have to start trying out different MLC motifs to see if they’ll work for me and whether or not I could commit to them for the duration.
One of the more common ideas of MLCs is to try to recapture those halcyon days of your youth that really only ever existed in your mind. Some men do this with hairstyles while others buy vintage stuff. Given that I have neither hair nor money, I’ll have to really start thinking outside the box. One of the things that marked my youth was a sense of nonconformity. During my formative years I absolutely refused to participate in the popular fashions or music of the day. As you can well imagine, this made me an incredibly popular person in high school and students and teachers alike flocked to me to bask in the radiance of my incredible coolness.
Of course as an adult I can’t afford fashion and my music is already “classic,” so I’ve decided to take a completely ridiculous stand against The Man by refusing to wear a tie ever again. I’m sure that most of you will immediately protest that I don’t wear ties now, so that’s not really a stretch and I suppose that there might be some truth to that. However, I do wear a tie when the occasion calls for it (weddings, bar mitzvahs, funerals, and whenever Mrs. RW threatens to beat me if I don’t) and I’ve decided that if I’m going to be forced to wear one, then I’m going to wear a bow tie.
Yes, the bow tie! The second most bizarre accessory to ever participate in men’s fashion (second only to the knickerbockers). Some people love them and other people think they are ridiculous, but everyone can agree that it is never what people have in mind when they think “necktie.”
It should be clear by this decision alone how seriously I’m preparing for my MLC and I’ll be sure to keep everyone updated on my progress in preparing for this most important event. Stay tuned for the nearly exciting next installment of “Bald Dude Gets Old.”