The South is not known for great leadership. Typically it is too hot and cotton doesn’t grow any faster no matter who’s in charge. In fact, the only leader worth mentioning around here is George Custer; that famed leader who boldly lead the charge against the combined Native American forces at Little Big Horn because his intelligence suggested that they had weapons of mass destruction and had to be wiped from the face of the earth. After the war, Custer wrote a book about how, even though no WMD’s were found, it was still the most awesome war ever.
With such historic examples to draw from, it is perhaps unsurprising that our current Fearless Leaders sometimes find themselves searching for guidance. I just passed one of the junior FL’s in the hallway with a copy of “Leadership for Dummies” tucked securely under their arm. Because of this, I’m going to offer my completely unsolicited advice on how to Fearlessly Lead this Tower of Torpor into a better, brighter, and less fattening future over the next few posts.
In this post, I want to very quickly outline the current Leadership Style here at the Tower. Before I begin, you must understand that most Leadership Styles involve a rather straight-line approach, which is to say that a question arises, is explored, and then resolved. Since this is an enlightened workplace however, our decision-making paradigm is more circular. I only mention this in an attempt to ward off any confusion amongst my non-teaching readers.
All decisions begin with an Idea. The Idea can come from anywhere and it might consist of anything (or nothing) at all. In fact, the only requirement for the Idea is that it’s validity or relevance may not be at any time called into question once the Idea has been had. Ideas frequently appear in response to Problems, but it has also been hypothesized (among the wise, at least) that the appearance of Ideas actually creates the opposite Problem. Since the time between the appearance of an Idea and it’s attendant Problem is so small, causality hasn’t quite been proven, but researchers are working on it as we speak.
Regardless of the Idea, each one must be carefully scrutinized by hand-picked members of the staff who agree with the Idea in order to determine if it should be implemented. Interestingly, the number of Ideas that make it through this stage is something on the order of 98%. Clearly this just goes to demonstrate how amazing our Ideas are!
Once the Idea makes it out of committee, it is then put before the entire Staff during a faculty meeting where people who are for the Idea are asked to vote “Aye” by snoring an E flat in the octave of their choice.
After any new Idea is put into place it will immediately become obvious that certain minor tweaks and changes need to be made in order for it to become truly effective. The only changes not considered (or indeed, tried) will be those that involve squashing the Idea and pretending that it was all just a bad dream. In deciding which changes to the Idea to enact first, the Fearless Leaders will debate amongst themselves until a deadlock is reached, and then they will appoint several committees to review the proposed changes.
These committees will meet almost continuously until they agree with the decision of the Head Fearless Leader or until they shave their heads and become Buddhist monks; whichever comes first.
At this point the Head Fearless Leader will apply Indian Arm Burns to different staff members until someone agrees to present the changes to the Idea to the staff, where they will inform the staff that they are to vote for the changes.
Generally after this happens some time will pass (perhaps 4 days or so) until the staff begins to feel that this Idea sucks and should crawl into a hole somewhere and die alone and uncomforted. It is usually about this point that the Fearless Leaders, sensing the feelings of the staff, have a luncheon.