I should have known…

As I’m sure some of you are no doubt already aware, the results for this year’s National Boards applicants were posted on Friday. Apparently the fine anonymous folks at the NBTI were under pressure to have everything scored and posted before the holidays or they wouldn’t receive their holiday bonuses on time.

After careful analysis of the scores received by the candidates in the science hallway of the Palace of Petulance, it was immediately obvious that the fine anonymous folks of the NBTI decided to score the applicants based upon their looks. I thought it was odd at the time when I read on page 1,287 of the application instruction manual that we were to include a head shot of the applicant, but I figured that it was for verification reasons and submitted one anyway.

I had my photo done professionally at this nice little boutique place just off Arendell and while I generally don’t like posing for pictures, I took a deep breath, squared my shoulders, and got it done. One hour, 75 dollars, and one phone number (Peter said I had nice eyes) later, I had my photos in hand and all set to submit with my portfolio.

While my colleagues and I were frantically trying to ensure that everything was properly sorted before we mailed our portfolios, I couldn’t help but glance at the pictures they were submitting and shaking my head in bemusement. Everyone else had simply photocopied their driver’s licenses, and we all know full well that those photos aren’t the most flattering. In any case, my thinking at the time was that surely my photo put theirs to shame and that this application was in the bag.

It is obvious now that I completely failed to account for the kinds of people who choose to join the ranks of the fine anonymous folks at the NBTI. Clearly they are the misanthropic and hideously deformed dregs of the teaching profession who are so antisocial that they can’t even run a study hall and so have turned to working out of their parent’s basements evaluating the portfolio submissions of their one-time peers.

It is clear that they still harbor some deep-seated resentment towards those of us who are still able to summon the intestinal fortitude to face a classroom each morning, and even more so for those few like myself who manage to look fabulous doing it. Clearly these poor traumatized souls took one look at my photo and rejected my application out of hand. It is yet another sad example of how the elites of the world are constantly being dragged down by the huddled and dirty masses.

It has been a long time since I’ve been persecuted for my appearance, and I suppose that I thought society had put such petty nonsense behind it, but I suppose that it is still a reality that the most beautiful and perfect among us will be reviled and rejected for our total lack of inbred deformities.

For those faithful readers who were able to win certification by the NBTI, congratulations on having a sufficiently poor driver’s license photo to fool the trolls into grading your work based upon its merit. To the rest of you out there, feel free to indulge in some well deserved smugness that even though you were turned down, you would never judge someone based upon their driver’s license photo; that’s what Facebook is for!

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