Red Alert!

I have been working hard these last few days to get a bunch of papers graded. Those of you that are teachers can immediately sympathize with me. For those of you that haven’t experienced the soul draining nightmare that is grading student work, let me just tell you that I would rather be tattooed by a midget speed freak just coming down from a really bad trip. Yes, it’s really that bad.

I know that I’m some kind of Super Teacher and grading papers is supposed to be simply another thing that I do with ridiculous ease and consumnate professionalism, and normally this would be the case. Today, however, is not going well at all. The Secret Ingredient to Effective Teaching is missing from my desk today and it is elevating this normally mind numbing task to heights that I’m pretty sure instantly grant me sainthood.

I have no caffeine.

I have been teaching for nigh (“nigh” is uber-pretentious for “about”) on a decade now and I’ve always managed to survive grading papers with generous helpings of caffeine and sugar. Today I find myself 50 cents short (damn you, Coca Cola, for raising the price!).

I have often heard wild stories about people who become addicted to sodas and when they don’t have any their personalities change for the worse, but I haven’t witnessed any of that so far. (Could I be any worse?!) Of course upon further reflection maybe Little Joey shouldn’t have failed his lab assignment for writing it left handed. I suppose writing the comment “Lefties suck” next to his grade wasn’t all that professional either, now that I think about it.

I don’t think that this is going to end well at all. In fact, at this rate I’ll be amazed if no one is injured by the end of the day. Excuse me while I go shake some kid down in the hallway… I think I heard his pockets jingle.


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