From the Mountains through the Piedmont and all the way to the Coast, the people of this Great State have been waiting on tenterhooks to hear what our best and brightest have come up with for a budget this year. Having heard from them, we then turned to the barely literate nincompoops in our state legislature to see what they would actually approve.
Mostly the budget consisted of layoffs, cuts, and the reduction or wholesale cancellation on non-essential services like police, EMS, fire and rescue, social services, etc. ITTET, this is perhaps to be expected.
Of course my particular concern is with Socialized Education. We all know that Socialized Education is a communist plot to destroy America and as such is one of the first programs to be scaled back. As a matter of fact even in times of plenty scaling back the funding for public education is seen as striking a blow for Freedom and has gotten many people re-elected.
Our new budget cuts every county’s education budget by millions of dollars and will likely force the layoff of thousands of totally nonessential personnel like teachers assistants, cafeteria staff, bus drivers, teachers, assistant principals, and media and technology coordinators. You’ll all be relieved to know that our Fearless Leaders will not lose their jobs or take a pay cut. In fact, it has been widely rumored that they’ll all be receiving a new more fuel-efficient Audi to help them save money on gas getting to and from work.
I’m sure that you’ll also be relieved to note that our state level Fearless Leaders managed to keep several million dollars in the budget for their “handheld recording devices.” I can’t tell you how relieved I was to learn that the DPI will be able to purchase new Ipads and smartphones for themselves. Their work is so vital to the functioning of our Socialized Education system that without the ability to access their Facebook pages at will, they will be totally unable to function. I mean sure there are schools that are literally begging on their collective knees for any kind of money to repair their buildings, buy textbooks, or hire additional staff, but the money has to go to where it’ll do the most good and if our Fearless Leaders can’t reserve a table at their favorite restaurant at a moment’s notice, who knows what kind of state Socialized Education would be in right now?!
I know that some of you might be nonplussed with our educational budget this year, but once you look at the big picture you’ll see that not having any classroom supplies, classroom help, bus drivers, lunches, or media access will really make the students appreciate that they have the best and most up to date 1990’s education that money can buy. Students will no doubt try harder and do better in school when they see the kind of investment we’re making in their futures and our Great State will flourish with a whole new generation of deep thinkers who’ll no doubt go on to write their own state budgets one day.