As I was taking my usual Mid Day Zombie Shuffle through the hallways of the Cathedral of Testing, I noticed an unusually orderly line forming outside of the media center. I stopped and asked one of the students in the queue what was going on (this process involved several grunts and squeals, punctuated by wild hand gestures and a quick game of Simon Says). He informed me that they were in line to vote for next years student body representatives. Apparently our school has a student government; who knew?
This august body of students is responsible for advocating for student rights. Apparently our students today are being denied some of the basic things that all adolescents need in order to become self actualized and productive human beings. According to some, our students simply won’t be able to achieve their potential until they are able to leave campus to eat lunch, have better offerings for lunch in the cafeteria, leave school 5 minutes early, and exercise their inalienable right to text in public.
Of course all of these requests are perfectly reasonable and I can’t understand why they haven’t become standard operating procedure for our school long ago. In fact I think that our students are missing out on some important injustices occurring all the time.
First, did you know that our students are actually required to adhere to an almost entirely unenforced dress code? It’s true! They are actually not allowed to display their bodies in a manner deemed unsuitable by some old people who clearly don’t understand anything about their lives. This is America and our minors have a God Given Right to walk around public spaces tattooed, pierced, and practically naked if they so choose and no one should be able to tell them not to, because they know best!
If that wasn’t bad enough, our students are also being forced by the Great State of North Carolina to attend school. By forcing our students to learn about our history, culture, and technology we are brainwashing our youth into thinking exactly like we do! The Man is crushing the imagination and life out of these students and turning them into robots. Just imagine how much better off the whole world would be if the future of this country was allowed the freedom to express themselves without the artificial constraints of formal logic and knowledge!
Still, I suppose that we can’t expect our students to enact such sweeping changes in only one year in office and perhaps it is better that they are focusing on more reachable goals. As I was preparing to continue on with my Zombie Shuffle I asked a different student how they were choosing their candidate for this all important election. “O you know,” they replied, “I’ll just go Eenie Meanie Miney …”