Does anyone else think that the reason February is unusually short is because when Aloysius Lilius proudly unveiled his brilliant solution to the twin problems of leap years and spring break, some wag in the back pointed out that apparently our earth’s orbit was speeding up because the year was now 28 days shorter? So Lilius jammed the extra 28 days into the back end of winter when everyone is so depressed and run down no one would notice it as that time of year seems to drag on forever anyway and named it “February,” which we all know is translated from the curious mix of latin and italian common to the learned of the day (no longer spoken) to mean, “Happy now?”
I couldn’t help but notice that increasing numbers of the staff here at Pretty Princess Penelope’s Pinnacle of Penury seem to be adopting my special brand of Recalcitrant Surliness (available now in 16 oz. bottles for $8.99!) as their beverage of choice. If this trend continues unchecked, we may be facing a catastrophe of epic proportions. (Please keep in mind that I am using the word “epic” in its original sense to indicate something that “surpasses the ordinary” and not in the way that everyone else is using it to mean “something I did that I put on YouTube”) Mostly this is because the vast majority of the people I see trying out Recalcitrant Surliness are totally unprepared for the experience and have no idea how to handle it. Like a college freshman at her first kegger, these people are likely to become hopelessly maudlin and spend the entire time crying and apologizing to everyone who looks in their direction.
Exactly how bad has it gotten? Yesterday at our faculty meeting, nearly everyone voted to keep the half day before Winter Break so that they could have their Christmas Luncheon! Don’t any of you remember how depressing those things are? Have you all forgotten how wistfully you talked about other staff parties going on that week that involved alcohol and inappropriate behavior? Don’t you people realize that by NOT voting to effectively kill the Christmas Luncheon you destroyed our only chance of getting hammered and finding out which PE teacher is most likely to strip off their shirt and dance on the table?
This is what happens to new users of Recalcitrant Surliness who don’t read the label. It states very clearly that users should not make important decisions for up to 4 hours. While I undertand that a quick gulp at lunch helps you get through that last class of the day, you should have better anticipated having a surprise vote like that at a “very important” faculty meeting.
I suppose that we should all be thankful that February is so short and spring is nearly upon us (let’s all pause a moment to laugh at our friends in the mid-Atlantic region!) and that slowly people will stop relying so heavily on Recalcitrant Surliness to get them through the day. If things kept going as they have been, who knows what people would vote for next? Maybe they’d even vote for something as silly as spending thousands of dollars on a giant Lite Brite sign for the school!