I have been awash in a sea of guilt over not posting here on SASS these last few days and and I feel that I owe you, my loyal reader, an apology. If my life was a fish identification guide, this week would be dedicated to the triploid grass carp.
For those of you not so icthyologically inclined, (or perhaps simply oddly enamored of sterile, scum sucking, bottom dwelling, slimy, dull-witted fish) my week has not been a source of joy and spiritual enlightenment.
The truth is that even though I know that my misery brings joy and laughter to my readers, I haven’t been at all able to gather the necessary distance from my circumstances to apply my normally droll sense of humor. In fact, I was worried that instead of coming across as ironically detached it would be perceived as whining and we all know that my voice is pitched entirely too low (and I’m entirely too bald!) to carry that off well.
So how bad has my week been? Earlier this week a German tourist was arrested in Australia for attempting to illegally transport threatened species out of the country. Apparently he had sewed a dozen or so little pockets into his underwear and stuffed small lizards into them. If I was going to describe my week, I’d imagine that instead of small harmless lizards, this man had sewed a few tarantulas, a small hive of africanized bees, and perhaps a hallucinogenic poison frog into his underpants and as he was passing by the bomb sniffing kangaroo a tarantula bites him in a most indelicate spot causing him to leap into the air and scream like a little girl, which causes the security guard to execute a flying tackle which unfortunately frees the bees who in their agitated state sting the kanagaroo, promptly driving it insane and forcing it to attempt to escape this horrible situation by jumping up and down on the poor guy’s head repeatedly until he finally blacks out. That’s about how things have been going so far.
Things can’t be this horrible forever, though, so nobody worry that I’m about to run screaming naked through the front yard in hysterics. (I’ll be perfectly calm when I do that.) No, I’m positive that things will pick up here before the weekend and everything will back to normal before I know it. Excuse me, the Fearless Leaders have just called me into a special secret meeting… See, things are looking up already!