Tonight is Parent Night here in the Halls of High Comedy. Now you may be wondering to yourself, “Self, isn’t Parent Night normally held at the beginning of the school year?” and your self would answer, “Naturally.” If your self was me, this would inevitably lead to a re-enactment of Abbott and Costello, but I digress.
Of course since we have semester long classes, we have not one, but TWO Parent Nights every single school year! Can you believe it, it’s almost like a story out of a fairy tale!
It is true that there are some teachers that view meeting their parents with trepidation and dread. Apparently these teachers are worried that these fine, upstanding (possibly toothless) pillars of our community might get the wrong impression of their work as they stand swaying slightly after a 15 hour day and trying to explain in 10 minutes what their class is going to be like and what their children can expect in the next 90 days.
If this happens to describe you (2 out of my 4 readers are teachers) then I have three helpful tips to get you through the day.
1. Leave your classroom notes on the board. It will take your parents almost five whole minutes to decipher what you’ve written and simultaneously impress them with all the learnin’ their child is receiving under your direction.
2. Talk extremely quickly. This actually shouldn’t be too hard as I’m positive you’ve been drinking caffeine for the last hour or so just to stay awake. This will preclude any of your parents from asking questions about what you think about their child. If you have given yourself a nervous twitch, don’t attempt to hide it, as it dovetails nicely with the last tip.
3. Draw warpaint on your face. This won’t add anything at all to your presentation, but I can promise that no parents will linger after the bell has rung to talk to you privately.
These tips have always helped me get through Parent Night without too much trouble and perhaps unsurprisingly parents don’t call or email me very often to complain about my teaching or their student’s scores.
In closing I’ll leave you with the 5 Things I Tell All Parents:
1. The best way to communicate with me about your child is through email.
2. Your child is a precious jewel and I know that we’ll have a great semester!
3. I think its great that you and your student have matching tattoos! It shows real family solidarity.
4. Sir, is this your tooth?
5. Can you believe how quickly they grow up? Before you know it, they won’t even be trying to hide their drinking from you!