The Death of American Fashion

BlackRobeWizardUnfortunately for yours truly, I had to walk through the main hallway this morning 3 times before school even started because I had forgotten to make copies of today’s test. While running this Gauntlet of the Disinterested, I was struck by a thought: right here in the Repository of Reason, people are practicing witchcraft.

I know that this is shocking to most of you, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that not only are the Arts Majickal being practiced in our schools, but the teachers are tacitly allowing it happen.

When you think about it, the hoodie, or hooded sweatshirt, might be one of the most ridiculous pieces of clothing to have gone mainstream. I’m including in this list past fashion faux pas such as the knickerbocker, hoop skirt, and ruffled collar. The hoodie is nothing more than a sweatshirt with a bit of extra fabric stitched to the collar. This bit of fabric is supposed to be a hood, but there is no way to use it for this purpose. The hood is not waterproof, not big enough to cover your face, and is impossible to deploy without making the wearer look not entirely unlike an escapee from wizard prison.

It is therefore amazing to me that every other person spotted in the Gauntlet today was wearing a hoodie. I had to ask no fewer than 12 of those people to take their hoods off. Ostensibly this is because covering your head with anything other than a yamaka or a hijab is against the rules, but really it’s because I couldn’t allow these young people to continue to suggest by their dress that they are about to cast a spell certain to backfire and hurt themselves.

I suppose that other middle aged white guys would now suggest that we banish the hoodie from schools. That’s a way to go, I guess, but I can’t imagine such a policy actually being enforced and it would only breed hate and discontent. Instead I would like to humbly suggest that every student wearing a hoodie should immediately be enrolled in Remedial Spell Casting until such time as they can purchase better robes or successfully turn someone into a toad.

I believe that the hoodie will soon reach an interesting economic tipping point that might soon force us all into Remedial Spell Casting. I believe that the economic success of the hoodie will reach a point where it will be impossible for clothing manufacturers to produce anything but hoodies. You will know when this day as arrived when hoodie jeans start appearing in stores. Sadly it appears as if we’re nearly there.Polo_hood_jeans


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