America’s Greatest Game

Not a SpeedoAhh, yes! Memorial Day weekend! Possibly the most bizzare American tradition ever to evolve, we honor our fallen soldiers by consuming huge quantities of overly processed animal carcasses while sunburning ourselves in ill-fitting Speedos on the beach. Of course that’s not all there is to do during the “Official Start of Summer.” Indeed, quite a few people chose to participate in yet another round of America’s Greatest Game.

Some of you may be confused because you think I’m writing about baseball and it is a well established fact that RW is not so much for the hand-eye thing, but I would like to remind you that baseball is America’s Pasttime and that’s something wholly different.

America’s Great Game can be played anywhere, but is best if played in America’s Greatest Store, Wal-Mart. The thing about the Wal-Mart Game is that everyone that frequents that store plays it, but hardly anyone ever realizes this and so they only play defensively. This is a fine strategy, but it’s hard to win if you never play offense.

The Wal-Mart Game is one that is amazingly simple to learn, but takes years to master. On the off chance that you’ve never played the Game, let me give you a quick summary. All you have to do is act out the sentence, “I’m the only person in Wal-Mart.” There are no referees, but the premise of the game itself does provide a rough set of rules.

As I said, nearly everyone in Wal-Mart plays this game, but they are doing so rather passively. Didn’t you ever wonder how they don’t seem to notice that you’d like to get past their cart or seem immune to your coughed “excuse me” as they gaze blankly at the shelf directly in front of the item that you want?  It’s not because they’ve all had recent lobotomies or been turned into zombies, it’s because “they are the only person in Wal-Mart.”

Suddenly it all makes sense; the clouds have parted and a golden ray of understanding is bathing you and your Speedo in it’s illuminating light! So, now that we understand that the Game is being played, how do we win? The concept is simple… You win by forcing the other players to recognize that you exist while simultaneously not recognizing them. As an example, if you force people to acknowledge you by yelling at them or throwing things, then you have lost the Game. However, if you wear your Speedo into Wal-Mart and go about getting some beers, toilet paper (it’s on sale!), and maybe some Snickers, then each of the outraged stares and muttered comments from the other shoppers is a point for you!

Here on the coast, Memorial Day often marks the start of the Tourist Season (what other people refer to as Summer) and so a whole new set of people are coming to our tiny hamlet to play the Wal-Mart Game. Have fun!


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