It was only yesterday that I had taken a trip fantastic down memory lane with some SASS members and we reminisced about the good old days of pegged pants, the original Jordans, and the must-have Ocean Pacific T Shirts (two sizes too large, of course). It was during those halcyon days of youth when we encountered our first “poser.” For those SASSy people more concerned with hip replacement than being hip, you’ll appreciate this memory jogger. A poser is anyone who attempts to copy the style of any cool group of people without actually belonging to said group. As an example, a poser might attempt to dress like a skateboarder without actually knowing how to skate.
Not everyone can be a skater, of course, just like not everyone can be a rebel. If everyone did it, then it would immediately become lame and the trendsetters would move on to something else. This strange dynamic is thrown into stark relief here at the High School of Hilarious Hijinks. One of the new “rebel” moves is to listen to your iPod in direct violation of the school rules and dare the teachers to take it from you. Yes, this is what passes for “rebelling” today. If a little piece of your soul just died, I totally understand and I’ll give you a minute to recover.
Anyway, I’ve been making a concerted effort to stop ignoring students who listen to their iPods at school, and despite the self-loathing it causes, I’ve been confiscating them as per The Rules. This morning was like most every other in that I had taken 5 whole steps down the hallway before spotting a student with earbuds plugged into his skull. I sighed, and then asked him to turn the iPod over. The student looked at me incredulously and informed me that he wasn’t listening to music (please note the earbuds were still plugged into his head). He pulls the cord out of his pocket to show me that they weren’t plugged in! This student was Posing as an iPod Rebel! Wow, he really got me good with that head fake! Man, did I look silly! Way to stick it to The Man!
If I had been channeling Tevye this morning, this is where the stage would have darkened and I would have stepped into a yellow spotlight. Can you imagine a world that has become this perfect a parody of itself? Is it really possible that this student thought that posing as an iPod Rebel would earn him cool points? And, if the student is correct in his thinking, how sad is that?!
At this point I was spiraling down into a hopeless depression at the utter sadness of it all (it was 7:25 am) and I continued on down the hallway. I had made it another 20 steps when I spotted another student openly rearranging songs on his iPhone. I glared at this iPod Rebel and demanded that he turn over the device. This iPod Rebel was the real deal (no posers here!) and slid the thing into his pants pocket and calmly informed me that he wasn’t going to turn it over. Of course we are all overcome with a terrible urge to grab people by the scruff of the neck and drag them down the hallway from time to time, but my Fearless Leaders have stated in no uncertain terms that this would have been unprofessional (there were witnesses in the hallway) and so I was forced to restrain myself. I told this young man that if it was going to be like that then he was going to have to follow me down the hallway to the office. I turned on my heel and began walking back down the hallway. When I reached the office and looked back after opening the door, this guy was right behind me! This iPod Rebel actually followed me to the office! I was so floored by this that I didn’t have the heart to pursue the matter after turning him over to a Fearless Leader. Anyone that bad at being a Rebel isn’t worth worrying about.
It is a sad but true fact that what is cool is a constantly moving target and that what was cool back in the day may never be cool again. Apparently being too thick to know that you’re the butt of your own joke is the new black. Everyone have their earbuds in? Ok, now pose for effect.