Office Ninjas

ninjaI understand that the beginning of April is often a time of tomfoolery and practical jokes, but since I spend quite a bit of my time here already engaged in such shenanigans, I thought that for a change of pace I would discuss something (potentially) deadly serious.

There has been a massive crime wave sweeping our fair nation and it has gone largely unreported by our news outlets. This crime spree has affected each and every one of us, and yet some of us are completely oblivious to the fact because the deviants responsible have been honing their skills in secret for generations and are totally ruthless.

I am of course talking about Office Ninjas. Perhaps the ninjas in your office are so talented that you have no idea what I’m talking about and so a word of explanation is required. An Office Ninja is that person that can remove practically anything from a workplace without detection. Ninjas-In-Training have been known to practice their craft and test their skill by swiping staplers and pens right off of people’s desks! The more advanced Office Ninja can take practically anything; they have been known to steal projectors, basketball goals, and even the coffee right out of the pot!potOf course Office Ninjas don’t advertise who they are… it is considered cliche to dress in the all black pajamas of their forebearers. Modern Ninjas dress much like the rest of us, albeit they might express an unusual fondness for oversized pockets, trunks, or coffee mugs. One might think that because Office Ninjas are so difficult to spot and so talented that it might be impossible to catch one, but I’ve thought about it and have a few suggestions.

First, remember that the Office Ninja relies on blending in and stealth. If you suspect a ninja of pilfering the storeroom, for example, you might consider placing sheets of bubble wrap on the floor. Any true Office Ninja would spot it right away and be unable to enter the storeroom. While this alone wouldn’t catch the ninja, it would become very suspicious after awhile if one (or more) of your coworkers suddenly seemed to develop a fear of the storeroom!

Another strategy that I’ve thought of would be to set booby traps. Nets, balanced buckets of water, marbles, and self locking doors could all be employed to great effect to help trap or detain an Office Ninja.

Once a suspected Office Ninja is captured, a simple search of their person should reveal their identity. Nearly all Office Ninjas will have at least a few of the following on their person; smoke bombs, various office supplies in secret pockets, collapsible coffee bladders, and of course their official Office Ninja Membership Card.

I would be remiss if I didn’t include a standard word of caution that cornered Office Ninjas can be very dangerous, so please be cautious! At a minimum I recommend safety goggles and earplugs, but a dog attack suit might not be a bad idea, either!


One thought on “Office Ninjas

  1. livebait1

    The hightened states of ennui must really be getting to you, but never-the-less I’m happy to provide an audience if it will help you maintain sanity. Please pass along my condolences to Mrs. RW for her completely warranted emotional duress caused by the Office Ninjas.

    red worm lov’a


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