This weekend was a literal washout. There was nothing for it but to spend it inside, pray for freezing temperatures on Sunday night, and hang out with the family. It was tough, but I weathered it with my usual charm and swagger. It was during this foray into Rockefeller’s Utopia that I was reminded of Mrs. RW’s fondness for the actor Will Smith. (It’s not like he was on TV or anything, its just another example of how weird it is being me.)
Since I’m not statistically different from other American males I began wondering “what does he got that I ain’t got?!” After much deliberation, meditation, and Magic 8 Ball consultations, I have concluded that there are exactly 5 differences between myself and Will Smith. I will of course present them in order from least to most important.
5. An obvious difference between Will Smith and myself is of course the fact that he owns several purebred rottweilers. While my own faithful hound Winston is a wonderful dog and I wouldn’t trade him for anything, I don’t think he would even qualify as a purebred mutt. (I privately think he’s grandmother was a horse) We all know that rotties immediately confer upon an individual an aura of tough independence. After all, doesn’t leading such powerful animals silently announce your own forceful personality?
4. Another and more immediately obvious difference between myself and Mr. Smith is height. Will’s reported height is 6’2″, while I can only boast a mediocre 6′. You may consider two inches to be a paltry difference indeed until you remember that Mrs. RW is fairly tall herself and with heels on frequently equals or tops my own height. I can only surmise that she must be one of many women who like taller men and while I’m willing to give it a go, I don’t know if platform shoes are really my thing.
3. The third significant difference between the two of us is of course our choice in friends. Early in his career, Smith befriended DJ Jazzy Jeff, whom some have suspected of being a reincarnated Buddha. This friendship obviously had a profound impact on Smith’s life and help him develop an inner sensitivity to the universe. All my friends ever helped me with was buying beer. Arguably this had the opposite effect on my universal perceptions.
2. Will Smith was born in Philadelphia, PA. This may seem like a trivial thing to most of you, but when you realize that I was born in Aliquippa, PA (a neighborhood outside of Pittsburgh) you will immediately recognize the importance of this fact. While I think that we can all agree that hailing from the ‘Burgh is vastly superior than growing up in Philly, this must simply add to Smith’s aura of being different, which I understand can sometimes be alluring to women.
1. The most important difference that I could identify between Will Smith and myself is of course Jada Pinkett Smith. This woman is a fashion icon and well known for her sense of style. I have no doubt that the largest part of Will Smith’s attraction stems simply from the happy accident that he married such a fashion-forward wife. (I have little doubt that she has the final word on any/all outfits) I suppose that it is unfair that the lion’s share of Smith’s attraction is a result of associating with someone else, but whoever said that life was fair?
I don’t mind saying that while I think the differences between Will Smith and myself are significant, the Magic 8 Ball was able to give me some peace of mind when it pointed out that, “Will was a bright child, constantly playing on his natural charm” and that the same might have said about me as a youth. If it wasn’t for that head trauma to the head, we might have been easily mistaken for brothers.