This is Rockwalker, reporting to you live from the Faculty Meeting Recovery Room, where we’re looking at the tape and providing you in-depth analysis of our latest faculty meeting and the strategies employed to help us all become better people.
The meeting started well with bribes of cookies and iced tea. Nothing says, “This staff meeting will put you into a coma” like trying to load people up on caffeine and sugar before you begin. Given that most teachers have long ago succumbed to these poisons (yours truly included) because they’ve been trying to stay awake in their own classes for years, no one tripped to this subtle gambit.
The meeting hit a slight snag when 5 minutes into it, our Fearless Leaders realized that they had no idea how many people are actually on the staff at our school and didn’t have enough horribly uncomfortable plastic chairs to prop all of us up in. Standing is actually more comfortable, but teachers have been known to fall asleep that way, so more chairs were brought in to prevent this.
However, once the chairs were brought in and the sugar and caffeine duly consumed, our meeting got underway in earnest. The first part of the meeting was spent giving presents to people coming back out of retirement to teach this semester. It never occurs to anyone that we just gave these folks retirement presents six months ago and that they are all making a mint off of the “double-dipping” clause and probably don’t need our coffee mugs, but that’s really besides the point I suppose.
Next up on the agenda was more “Gosh Darn it, People Like You!” silliness which I largely zoned out of because my sugar buzz had worn off. I was rudely roused from my reverie at one point by being asked to stand (Thank God!) and talk about my Bright Ideas Grant. Now my grant will make every teacher’s recycling efforts both easier and more efficient, but I didn’t receive any applause. I suppose that being Green isn’t as cool as it used to be. (It is worth noting that even though the other grants awarded to our staff will only affect a small population of our school, they both got wild applause and several “Awws” for their heart-warming themes.)
I was then shocked to discover that I will be responsible for fundamentally altering the school schedule in tomorrow’s SBMT meeting. I say shocked because the representatives are supposed to present the viewpoints of their departments and I, for one, hadn’t received anything to discuss with my teachers. Ahh well, nothing says “democracy” like having your elected officials making up the rules without input or research, right Bailout? Of course, I’m not too concerned about it because ANY decision made in the SBMT takes no less than 3 years to implement so there is plenty of time to elect a new science rep between now and then and blame it on them.
After that little bombshell, there was some rambling about plans and tests and faculty basketball games during which we all muttered jokes under our breath until our Fearless Leaders gave up and dismissed us. All in all, I’d give yesterday’s meeting a solid B-. It would have scored higher even with the chair snafu if it had been less than 45 minutes, but sadly they missed that mark by 2:45, not that I was staring at my watch or anything!
Until next time, this is Rockwalker reporting live from the Faculty Meeting Recovery Room!