Live from the Faculty Meeting Recovery Room!

motivationThis is Rockwalker, reporting to you live from the Faculty Meeting Recovery Room, where we’re looking at the tape and providing you in-depth analysis of our latest faculty meeting and the strategies employed to help us all become better people.

The meeting started well with bribes of cookies and iced tea. Nothing says, “This staff meeting will put you into a coma” like trying to load people up on caffeine and sugar before you begin. Given that most teachers have long ago succumbed to these poisons (yours truly included) because they’ve been trying to stay awake in their own classes for years, no one tripped to this subtle gambit.

The meeting hit a slight snag when 5 minutes into it, our Fearless Leaders realized that they had no idea how many people are actually on the staff at our school and didn’t have enough horribly uncomfortable plastic chairs to prop all of us up in. Standing is actually more comfortable, but teachers have been known to fall asleep that way, so more chairs were brought in to prevent this.

However, once the chairs were brought in and the sugar and caffeine duly consumed, our meeting got underway in earnest. The first part of the meeting was spent giving presents to people coming back out of retirement to teach this semester. It never occurs to anyone that we just gave these folks retirement presents six months ago and that they are all making a mint off of the “double-dipping” clause and probably don’t need our coffee mugs, but that’s really besides the point I suppose.

Next up on the agenda was more “Gosh Darn it, People Like You!” silliness which I largely zoned out of because my sugar buzz had worn off. I was rudely roused from my reverie at one point by being asked to stand (Thank God!) and talk about my Bright Ideas Grant. Now my grant will make every teacher’s recycling efforts both easier and more efficient, but I didn’t receive any applause. I suppose that being Green isn’t as cool as it used to be. (It is worth noting that even though the other grants awarded to our staff will only affect a small population of our school, they both got wild applause and several “Awws” for their heart-warming themes.)

I was then shocked to discover that I will be responsible for fundamentally altering the school schedule in tomorrow’s SBMT meeting. I say shocked because the representatives are supposed to present the viewpoints of their departments and I, for one, hadn’t received anything to discuss with my teachers. Ahh well, nothing says “democracy” like having your elected officials making up the rules without input or research, right Bailout? Of course, I’m not too concerned about it because ANY decision made in the SBMT takes no less than 3 years to implement so there is plenty of time to elect a new science rep between now and then and blame it on them.

After that little bombshell, there was some rambling about plans and tests and faculty basketball games during which we all muttered jokes under our breath until our Fearless Leaders gave up and dismissed us. All in all, I’d give yesterday’s meeting a solid B-. It would have scored higher even with the chair snafu if it had been less than 45 minutes, but sadly they missed that mark by 2:45, not that I was staring at my watch or anything!

Until next time, this is Rockwalker reporting live from the Faculty Meeting Recovery Room!


3 thoughts on “Live from the Faculty Meeting Recovery Room!

  1. irishpirate81

    Oh, Rockwalker. I feel sorry for you, really. You don’t realize how lucky you have it! I dream of a staff meeting with chairs. Let me share with you what a staff meeting looks like in the real world, away from all the wealth and prestige of public schools…

    Tomorrow I have a 90 minute staff meeting to discuss the results of the most recent “Employee Satisfaction Survey” (now, of course, staff already knows the results of the Survey as they were the employees filling it out), and then “brainstorm” on what management can do to increase thier job satisfaction. This meeting comes only a week after our 2 hour manager meeting to discuss what we think staff is going to say about the Employee Satisfaction Survey and a day before the 2 hour meeting to discuss the discussion with staff about the Employee Satisfaction Survey and whether or not we guessed right in the original meeting. This story is already painful enough to make my point, but I’ll continue because you need to really feel it.

    There are no chairs at all at this meeting because our staff is not encouraged to sit, ever (as sitting may decrease their productivity). So you end up on whatever piece of equipment looks like it might support you- mats, the practice stairs, a bed-side commode from 1972, even a giant therapy ball. There will be, as a special treat, pizza from the cafeteria, which tastes like bread with Hunt’s catsup on it, and nothing to drink. Nor will there be any utensils or plates. Just our rationed 1-slice-only-per-employee-please “pizza.” So here you sit, balancing on your over-inflated therapy ball trying to eat catsup covered bread with no plate, when you notice one of the cat-sized cockroaches that infests your department has decided to come out to investigate. You scream and fall of your therapy ball and Hunt’s catsup sloshes down your shirt, as you drop your one and only piece of pizza on the floor.

    As the meeting goes on and on and on, you begin to realize you are going to die. Whether it’s of boredom or hunger, you can’t be sure, but you know you will not live to eat that yogurt you have hidden in the fridge. You’re knees buckle as you stand against the wall (someone stole your therapy ball when you fell off of it) and you’re stomach is growling so loudly that the only jackass in the group who is actually paying attention “shushes” you. Finally, moments before you are about to pass out from this horrible mixture of boredom and starvation, you ask the anorexic coworker sitting on the commode next to you if she’s going to eat her crust…


  2. rockwalker

    I am reeling in sincere horror at the trials you must endure for the sake of your profession, IrishPirate! Simply imagining pizza so bland and unappealing as to taste like Hunt’s catsup on bread is enough to make me weep!

    For those of you who’s childhood was a miserable hell because you didn’t grow up in Pittsburgh, Hunt’s catsup is only one small step better than cat pee. Had IrishPirate said that the pizza tasted like bread with Heinz ketchup on it, it would have been fine. In fact, in a pinch it is perfectly acceptable to make a sandwich with a slice of american cheese and Heinz ketchup!

    Does anyone else feel suddenly moved to send the Pirate a care package of Heinz 57, american cheese, and some bread for her next meeting?!


  3. livebait1

    Problem solved. Motivation and chairs…

    Rockwalker – I recommend trying to be the organist…
    Irish Pirate – ask a co-worker to get the better-than-cat-pee pizza


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