Run Away! It’s Mr. Peanut!

I was running copies in the workroom this morning and in my usual effort to avoid being sucked into some mindless babble about the weather, I studiously feigned interest in an article that was left on the table.

This article was about people being afraid of nuts. That’s right, nuts. And not the fun kind, either. I’m talking about peanuts, pine nuts, hickory nuts, pistachio nuts…

Anyway, the article went on to describe stories of people forcing their neighbors to cut down hundred year old trees because their grandkids were allergic and school buses being evacuated because a peanut was found on the floor.

Two thoughts immediately came to the front of my enormous cranium as I read this article. The first is that the the monkeys are running the zoo again and this is another example of how education has failed because we haven’t taught folks how to politely tell the monkeys to STFU and go away. The second is that if this is what you’re worrying about, then you have officially achieved the American Dream and all your real needs and desires have been successfully met.

No longer does your neighbor have to have loud parties, or sex with the windows open, or beat their kids in order for you to take umbrage and make demands of them, now they must simply inherit an unfortunate tree in their backyard! I wonder what would happen if we told people that pine trees have nuts? Or what about oak trees? Sure, their nuts are inedible unless you boil them for hours, but some kid could pick one up accidentally and get oak nut juice on their hands! OMG nuts are everywhere! RUN!

No longer do children have to phone in bomb threats to disrupt the school day and get out of an exam. Now they only have to scatter peanuts on the cafeteria floor to bring in a hazmat team! Or what about sunflower seeds? Are those nuts? Is little league baseball about to collapse? Will the Great American Pasttime be undone by nuts?

Just in case you were wondering, approximately 150 americans die each year from an allergic reaction to nuts. Compare that to the 100 americans killed by lightning yearly.

Homeland Security should look into this to determine if nuts pose a national threat. I’m pretty sure that this is a vast conspiracy to wipe out United States. Could this be the advent of the next stage of biological warfare? What’s next? Will sodas start making us fat and diabetic?!