Teach-U-Tron 5000

“The least effective way to teach someone is to lecture. To prove this point, I’m going to lecture you on the new standards and assessment tools we’ll be using next year or possibly the year after….” I really couldn’t tell if it was done on purpose, but the irony of yesterday’s staff meeting almost overwhelmed me and reduced me to jibbering lunacy. Thankfully I was able to retreat behind my ironclad wall of cynical indifference and so prevent a total mental breakdown.

I could go on for quite a bit about “effective teaching,” but I’ve established myself as a clown too well to be taken seriously so why bother? No, instead I’m going to talk about my latest invention, The Teach-U-Tron 5000.

See, the real problem in education is that it is very hard to quantify who is (and who is not) a good teacher. Consider all the variables; teaching style, testing style, student group dynamics, time of day, phase of the moon, etc. Computations this complex have left us grasping at straws for ways to improve education.

See, even though teachers are going to be assessed on our New and Improved Rubric which mandates teaching style and teachers of the same subjects are required to use exactly the same pacing guide and tests, there is still too much “wiggle room” there and not every student will receive the exact same education. For example, students in my classes are several times more likely to be exposed to the humorous connotations of shist formation than students in other classes. This is unacceptable.

Enter the Teach-U-Tron 5000! This very lifelike robot is completely programmable and able to deliver student led content on a variety of subjects. All of its tests are naturally identical to every other Teach-U-Tron’s tests because they’re all wired together via the county server. The Teach-U-Tron’s are of course very expensive, but since they will be able to replace several teachers the school will save money in the long run.

Teach-U-Tron Inc. has received some concerns from our test panels that if every class is identical then students unable to fit the standard format will be less successful. This is a very valid point and in response we’ll be adding the Tutor-U-Mech and the Remediate-U-Bot to our product catalog next year.

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