Not everyone knows this about me because normally I’m not one to brag about myself, but I’m a U8 Girls Soccer Coach. This is easily the most important thing that I’ve ever done in my life. In fact, I’m not really sure how I’ll survive the 5 year gap between my children where I’ll not be a U8 Girls Soccer Coach once Emma moves up to U10 Girls Soccer.
Back in the day when I was coaching competitive (trying to win) middle school and high school soccer, I had of course run across parents convinced that their kid was the next Freddy Adu or David Beckam. I just assumed this was perfectly natural behavior for parents. They had obviously spent too many hot afternoons in the sun watching soccer games and were a little addled.
This weekend was my first run-in with a Psycho Soccer Parent In Training. After screaming at their daughter long enough and with enough vitriol to make her cry at halftime, they informed me that my “strategy” of playing two defenders wasn’t going to score goals and we would lose every game.
– rage building … can’t maintain –
What the hell is wrong with these people?! That is your daughter out there, running around in the heat, trying to learn one of most difficult field games ever invented and you think the appropriate response is to yell at her until she cries? Have you lost your mind?!
I would love to round up every parent ever guilty of this and put them on a soccer field. I would make them play a game while I scream unhelpful nonsense at them, “Get the Ball!”, “Kick it!”, and my personal favorite from this weekend, “You’re not trying!” I understand that they are depressed and unhappy that their best days of competition are 100 lbs behind them, but go take it out on a treadmill, not your kid.
I’m not even that angry at the suggestion that my “strategy” wouldn’t be successful. When the sum total of your experience in soccer formations is limited to what the other volunteer soccer parents are doing, I’m not too intimidated. What angered me was the thinking that at the U8 level, we’re here to win games. Is there a lot of money to be made off of the skills of your 7 year old? Are major sponsors lining up to put them on a cereal box? Do you think that ANYONE will EVER care how your number one draft pick did on the U8 circuit?
How are these people able to get through a work day without electrocuting themselves, driving into a tree, or otherwise causing massive problems for anyone in their proximity is beyond me. They obviously lack a very basic ability to appreciate what’s right in front of them.